Earning It, Deserving It and Getting It
Nothing gets on my nerves more than when people who don’t get what they want use the following two phrases, “I earned it” or “I deserve it.” It takes a lot of energy and restraint for me not to say “no you didn’t.” Some of you may think that is a less than compassionate view and I would agree it can hit pretty hard. I didn’t always think this way. I was one of the people who would use those phrases when I had worked and sacrificed for something I wanted and didn’t get.
Earning It
Earning it implies that I left no stone unturned. There was nothing more that I could do to get what I wanted. My commitment was greater than my feelings. There was never a day where I took it easy or didn’t work to my potential or beyond.
Deserving It
Deserving it implies that for some reason I’m more deserving than someone else. It screams of entitlement. In reality I have no idea what that other person has done to get what they want. In my heart it just isn’t possible to deserve something that I didn’t rightfully earn.
Getting It
The people who get what they want are the people who have the right to use the words earned and deserved. Those words are reserved for them and the effort and work that they have put into the pursuit of what they want. When someone else gets what I want it is highly likely that they did more than more or did it better than me.
The Ifs And The Buts
There will always be those people that will bring up the ifs and buts. Those are nothing more than excuses. People will talk about lucky bounces, unfair officiating or some obscure scenario that somehow makes them a victim or at a minimum feel better about not actually getting what they wanted. My high school football Coach John Danks had a quote he used often to sum up this topic perfectly. “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts it would be Christmas year around.”
Call To Action
Don’t allow yourself to get wrapped up into the “ifs and buts” or the “earned and deserved” game. Go back to work, evaluate what you did well and where you can do better. Take that information and formulate a new plan and put it into action for yourself so the next time the opportunity arrives you GET WHAT YOU WANT. Then and only then can you say you earned it and you really deserve it. Have a great week, light the WICK of Leadership and never forget that when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
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Pressure
We all have some kind of relationship with pressure there is no denying it. It’s always present whether it's self imposed or thrown on us by someone else. Pressure is a part of our daily life and the decisions we make. The four most common types of pressure are:
Social and peer pressure
Professional and academic pressure
Internal and psychological pressure
Economic and financial pressure.
Each of these four types of pressure can be broken down into more specific subtopics. Our life experiences make us more susceptible to some of these types of pressure than others. To be honest I know I can experience all of them in the course of my day. Pressure isn’t just something we put on ourselves. We also experience pressure from the people we have relationships with in our jobs, families and friend groups.
One phrase I used to quote all of the time was “pressure is a privilege.” I thought that phrase was telling me that I was important and what I was doing meant something. It reminded me of the gravity that my decisions and choices could have on myself and others. Today I have a much different view of that phrase. Why do I have to feel pressure to understand how important my decisions are or that what I do can make a difference? That question led me to another, Does pressure help me perform better? Both of these questions really opened up my eyes and forced me to reflect on a deeper level.
Social And Peer Pressure
Social and peer pressure have always been a significant factor in how people act and react to what is going on in their lives. The advancement and popularity of social media has only made this type of pressure more influential and harder to navigate in our daily lives. We internalize this type of pressure but the reality is it often starts from the judgement, beliefs and experiences of others. It’s rarely built on what is best for us and it can invade our subconscious and control us without us even recognizing it. We get overwhelmed with comparison rather than being fascinated with who we are and what we want to be.
Professional And Academic Pressure
When I think of this type of pressure I think of performance and how deeply rooted it is in success, achievement, advancement and meeting deadlines. This can be self imposed and also directed by our colleagues, bosses, family and friends. I find that this type of pressure can be combatted by learning to focus more on the journey and on personal growth. When we invest our time more on progress and less on the end result the pressure isn’t nearly as great. This takes a lot of work and self confidence and must be practiced. Positive affirmations have made all the difference for me in this area. I tend to see how far I’ve come and that provides me with a sense of satisfaction and the encouragement to keep going.
Internal And Psychological Pressure
This type of pressure is associated with things like imposter syndrome, guilt and obligation. Guilt and obligation are the things that we probably deal with a lot and can recognize more easily. Being a self professed people pleaser I never used to want to say no to people. Letting others down even if it wasn’t something important could literally stick with me for years. Textbook guilt and a loyal obligation to people could send me into a pretty dark place if I didn’t come through for people. This wasn’ t something they would make me feel either; this was entirely on me. I have tried to analyze this for years but I’m just not sure where this has come from.
Imposter syndrome has been something else that I have struggled with during my career. When I would get a promotion or take on a new leadership role I was always excited initially, but that would change in a heartbeat. I would immediately experience a high level of anxiety, think I was unworthy and think to myself “what am I doing? I don’t deserve this, I don’t know enough to meet expectations.” The level of anxiety I’ve had to work through would surprise even my closest friends because I would work so hard to try to hide it from people. This in itself created a pressure I didn’t need.
Economic And Financial Pressure
I feel that of all the different types of pressure this is probably the most obvious. It comes down to making ends meet and providing for myself and my family. This is probably the most understandable type of pressure. Now I will say there is also that pressure that comes from comparing ourselves to the Jimmys and the Joes when we see the material things that they have accumulated. I think that speaks more to jealousy but I can easily see how people would view this as pressure and want to keep up with their peers. This can cause a fear of being left behind.
What Does It All Mean?
All of this pressure regardless of what kind it is can be connected to a few common themes.
Comparison
The opinions of others
Our own perceptions of success
This might be an oversimplification of pressure, however the more simple we can make it the easier it is to combat it. I’m sure some of you may disagree with my take on pressure and that’s fine. I’m not saying that all pressure is bad, but I am saying it can become a negative factor in our life if we don’t maintain our perspective. Why not change the perception of pressure? Instead of pressure being associated with the outcome we transfer the energy we feel from pressure to focus on learning and growth.
We allow people to apply pressure on us based on their experiences and perceptions. Those things aren’t the same as standards. Our best performances come from our ability to apply what we have learned from our own experiences to meet the standards set for us. We should never internalize the pressure of others because that’s an unfair comparison. We’re all different people with a different set of experiences that have shaped our perspectives.
This week take the time to reflect on the pressure you feel from yourself and others. Identify what type of pressure it is, how it makes you feel and if it is improving your performance? Write down your answers and at the end of the week review what you have written. Is your life, not just your performance better because of the pressure you have felt? Once you have answered this question, take the time to look for any patterns or trends that show you when pressure benefits you and when it doesn't. Have a great week and remember to light the WICK of leadership by working hard, acting with integrity, being committed and practicing kindness. When your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Attitude Isn’t A Feeling It’s An Action
The only two things we can control in this world are our attitude and our effort. I have uttered this phrase so much over the last 30 years to students, athletes, teachers, friends and family members that it should probably be stamped on my forehead. This phrase has always been at the center of any team or organization I have been leading and it always will be. The real star of that phrase is the word attitude. Effort is important but if you don’t have the attitude to match the effort it really doesn’t matter. Attitude is defined by google as “a settled way of thinking, feeling, or behaving toward a person, thing, or situation.” When I visit with people about attitude I like to take the emotion and feeling out of it. To me attitude is a purposeful action in response to the events, individuals and experiences that impact you. I like to focus on the last part of the definition “behaving toward a person, thing or situation.”
Attitudes are a funny thing. People can say that someone has a good or a bad attitude but what does that really mean? It really tells me very little. Does it mean people are happy or does it mean they are sad? Does it mean that they are positive or negative? These were questions I started asking myself when I had my first job as a teacher and a coach. The more I thought about it and the more I experienced I began to realize that attitude was really about the way we reacted to what was happening in our lives and how we approached those situations and people. When I started to look at things from this perspective that is when the word attitude became very clear to me. It was simple attitude was one of two things either:
It was an opportunity to grow and we could choose to embrace it or
It was going to be something we allowed to control us and swallow us whole.
I think given the opportunity most of us see, that the first one is far more appealing than digging our way into a deep hole and making things worse for ourselves. It isn’t until this point when our effort will factor into our attitude. Rarely have I seen people give great effort unless they had a growth mindset. People with a poor attitude are rarely ever focused on growth and more often than not in my experience they never achieve the results they are looking for.
Take some time and visualize the highest mountain peak you can. The sun is setting in the background, the top of the mountain is snow capped and the light is glistening against the snow revealing those beautiful golden hues you get as it begins to disappear. It is truly breathtaking and inspiring and your task is to climb up that mountain. You know if you get to the summit you are going to receive the biggest reward in your life. It’s going to be THE grand award and it's going to be a very satisfying experience. Now visualize the deepest darkest hole on the Earth. You decide to descend into the hole and the deeper you go the colder and darker it gets. You can’t see anything but darkness, not even your own hands in front of your face are visible. When you finally get to the bottom there is no reward, just more darkness and the rope you used to climb down is lost in the dark.
The reality in attitude is that even if you have a growth mindset and you are focused on climbing towards the summit there will be days when you dive into that dark hole. So what do you do when that happens? You don’t panic or overreact, you remain calm and remind yourself you want to get to the summit and receive the ultimate reward we talked about. Stay vigilant and remind yourself that the more times you dive into that hole the harder it gets to climb out of it and the further away that beautiful mountain sunset is from where you are. I know this can be easier said than done, but as I wrote this piece this week I was reminded by my friend Dr. Gilbert of something very important. .
Dr. Gilbert was talking on his success hotline (973-743-4690) about how the easiest things to do are sometimes the hardest for us to do. I don’t know if that’s because we take it for granted when it’s easy, but I do know that in my life that’s been the case from time to time. When things are easy I feel like I can just start and stop it at any moment so I put things off or take for granted the harm I’m actually doing by not starting. We know it’s going to be easier to climb that mountain than having to find our way out of that dark hole we have jumped into, but we let external factors get in our way as well. We let our feelings, emotions and people drag us into the holes we need to stay out of instead of removing ourselves from those things and seeing the growth opportunities in them. Everyday it needs to be a purposeful conscious decision to keep ourselves climbing towards the summit of that mountain to catch that beautiful sunset.
So how do we fix this? How do we practice resisting the dive into the darkness and climbing to the summit instead?
Have a mantra to lean on mine is “when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results (C>F=R)
We have talked about visualizing a mountain. Visualize the palace that you love the most. it will put you in a positive mindset.
Create a connection with a mantra and touch. For example when things get tough I repeat the phrase “I can do this” over and over again and while I do that I touch my thumb to each of my fingers with each word I say.
Create a playlist of positive upbeat music that inspires, motivates or makes you happy.
I don’t just use these things when I’m struggling or focused on the negative. If I have spare time or even when things are going well I will use all of these to reinforce my approach to the situations that are before me. The more I do this the harder it is for my mind to wander away from the growth mindset and into the darkness. This kind of thinking becomes second nature and my attitude is an action for growth and success.
This week take time to focus your attitude not on feelings or emotions but the behavior and actions you want to have and take as you experience the people and situations that visit you in your daily life. Attitude is about your approach and the phrase that best exemplifies that to me is “Things don’t happen to us, they happen for us.” If you take that approach and make things happen for you then you will grow by leaps and bounds and have a more full and happy life. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
What Would You Change?
We’ve all heard the question “If you could go back and do it all over again what would you do differently?” This question comes up a lot after I speak to groups and tell them my story. They assume and I think it’s a fair assumption that I would choose a different path for myself knowing what I know now. The funny thing about this question is I rarely ever think about it and that started pretty early on in my life. When I was 7 years old my father passed away and it was devastating. In my early teens I was overweight and bullied and I would carry that issue with me for decades. These events in my life gave me a reality that bad things, unfair things can happen and you could roll with the punches and find a way out or you could wallow in it and sink further into a pit of hopelessness.
I’ve always taken on two approaches to the question of what would I change? The first approach is focusing on the past, particularly things like the death of family or friends just made me sad and I couldn’t change those things no matter how much I wanted to. The second approach was all of the situations, events and experiences I had been through shaped who I was now and that was something I always felt grateful for. I don’t know if it was because of my Mother’s influence or my faith but I just felt that my journey and all of the suffering, pain, sadness and even happiness was for a reason. I’m not saying I didn’t get upset or angry about the things that happened but I chose to see the value in them even when I was struggling.
With every experience in my life I learned something new and I know a lot of the time I didn’t realize I was learning a lesson until years later. We are constantly evaluating our lives and taking notes of what works and what doesn’t work and that leads us to the next step where the process starts all over again. The growth we make as people comes from the sum of our experiences and without them we don’t ever get to the next level. We would never experience the growth we need in order to be the best we can be for ourselves and our people. When we start to replace experiences we take away from other ones that we had along the way. I’m sure you have all seen the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life,” It is probably my favorite movie. Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey walks through his life with Clarence Oddbody, this guardian angel and he finds out just how important all of the events of his life were. His sacrifices, good deeds and hardships made a difference in the lives of others and it uplifted a community. We found out from watching the movie that the town George lives in would be a much more cynical and sad place without him.
If we take the time and reframe the events of our lives into the lessons of our lives instead, not only will we live more in the present and experience more growth, but we will also live a more full and satisfying life. My challenge to you this week is to work on strengthening how you look at the events in your life. Instead of seeing things that were tragedies or mistakes as something you would do over or change, find a connection from them to something positive in your life. For example, when my father died I became incredibly close with my mother and as I grew into adulthood she became my best friend. I learned to rely on her wisdom and saw her as the most valuable member of my life’s board of directors. Without her influence I would have never gone as far as I did in my career. Another example would be my struggle with obesity. My obesity led to me being bullied when I was a kid but from that experience I learned resilience and toughness that would become valuable when I went through tough times as an adult. It also gave me insight into what other people were going through that were being bullied. I hope these examples can give you a point to start from. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Lacking Confidence?
Confidence is defined as the feeling or belief that one can rely on something or someone. When I first became a building principal I constantly thought about two things. The first was “please don’t let me mess this up.” The second thing was “I hope that I can get to the point where the decisions I make will be made with 100% confidence.” I thought so much about these two things that the thoughts consumed me and at times could even paralyze my decision making process. There was a perception in my mind that good principals always knew what to do, and they made their decisions with an efficient and calm confidence that was absolute. After a decade as principal I can say with certainty that the level of confidence I was seeking not only wasn’t possible, but sure wasn’t desirable.
Being confident is something that we all crave in our jobs. I don’t dispute that confidence is a positive, but I will dispute that it shouldn’t be our goal. The goal of having absolute confidence in our decisions is honestly arrogant. When I think of the job of a leader, particularly a building principal you will encounter things on a daily basis that you have never seen before. There is no amount of preparation, reading, research or experience that can prepare you for everything. If you think there is then you are doomed from the start and that overconfidence will be your undoing. Now with that being said there will be things that you will become very confident in dealing with as a leader.
You might be asking what are the things that I think you can become confident in? Setting up routines, minor tasks and applying your core values would be some examples. So, what kind of tasks or decisions will make you question your confidence?
Decisions that involve people
Decisions that involve things that are new to you
Decisions that will have lasting effects on the future of your building
These three decisions were the type of decisions that made me question my confidence? I truly believe that it comes back to the idea that it will affect other people and their emotions. These were things beyond my control and could create dissent, hard feelings, and division in my relationships with individuals and with the staff as a whole. Remember when I mentioned that I could become paralyzed by my lack of confidence in decision making? I viewed a lack of confidence as a weakness. I don’t know if the reasons I felt that way were because I was overwhelmed, new to a higher level of leadership or if it was my previous life experiences. I saw great leaders as calm, cool and collected so I didn’t consider the fact that great leaders even good leaders didn’t get there overnight.
The longer I led a staff the more I realized that the lack of confidence in my decisions wasn’t a bad thing, it was perfectly natural. I started to look at my inexperience or indecision as an opportunity instead of a weakness. When I was faced with difficult decisions it was a new chance to learn and grow. I began to look at these situations like an athlete looks at practice. I was going to have to test myself, push through the discomfort and maybe even suffer a little in order to get where I needed to go. It meant stretching my thinking, doing some research, and seeking the opinions of experts and the people around me. With this mindset you must be prepared for things to fall flat, miss the mark or even go horribly wrong. When that happens what do you do?
When things go badly it’s not time to feel sorry for yourself, but it is time to take accountability, reevaluate, dust yourself off and try again. This is where real leaders are born. They are born in the chaos of not getting it right and only through that chaos can you truly become confident in your decisions. Truly great leaders will fail more often than they succeed, because they will continue to search for the best solution and the best path. They don’t see failure, they see feedback. Some of you might be asking yourselves “is this guy saying there isn’t really a true level of confidence in the decisions you make?” Well, kind of. What I’m really saying is you need to have confidence in the process of getting better. Establish a routine that will help you make the tough decisions so when you don’t know what to do because you’ve never seen it you have a starting point to get you to where you need to go.
If you are paying attention you know I’ve brought you back to the beginning. Earlier in this post I stated that one of the areas you can be confident in is the routines you establish for yourself. The key word is routine. Routine is about process and procedures. If you have a clear process and procedure established for yourself when you need to make decisions and you are consistent with applying it then the lack of confidence doesn’t matter. The reason for that is that you have strength in what you have built for yourself. My challenge to you is to sit down and develop the process and procedures you will use to help you make the best decision possible when you don’t know what to do. Have a great day and remember to light the WICK of leadership today.
Focus On The Journey More Than The Results
This week I have been extremely focused on my message “Lighting the WICK of Leadership.” I believe that leaders, and we're all leaders, have a responsibility to bring energy to our lives each day that will inspire others and propel us to be the best version of ourselves. The energy we bring is distributed through Working hard, acting with Integrity, being Committed and treating people with Kindness. Everything in life and leadership comes back to these principles. As I sat with these principles this week and did some reflecting I had some deeper thoughts about how I measure the effectiveness of this message when I apply it to my life.
As a lifelong competitor and coach I have always been obsessed with results. The wins and losses I accumulated and the statistics that gave me insight into my performances were always so important to me and my evaluation of my performance or the performance of the teams I was leading. We live in a world that is consumed with the results. This isn’t surprising based on the competitive nature of our economy, politics and love for sports. The problem with this philosophy is that you don’t always win and we don’t always get the results we want. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but we make it out to be bad and in some cases people allow it to become catastrophic.
Please don’t get me wrong. I believe in goals and I want to be successful, but our approach needs to be amended. I know when I became a leader the hardest thing for me to learn was how to build a like minded culture especially when you had a lot of different personalities with their own individual goals on the same team. I learned to always focus on the standards, expectations and procedures we had established for our program along with group cohesiveness to get us to where we wanted to go. Even with this focus I still struggled to get it right until late in my career when I started to put together some key pieces of advice that I had received along the way. I was reminded of this advice this week and as things fell into place I wanted to include it in this week’s post.
I have been reading Jim Murphy’s book Inner Excellence and he was talking about how important the process is rather than the results. This instantly took me back to my first year in teaching and a man I coached with named Howard Griesinger. He would often tell us young teachers and coaches that the most important thing in coaching was to “take care of the little things and the big things would take care of themselves.” In his own way he was telling us that what you did during your journey was important and that is where your focus should be.
The second point of reflection for the week came when I saw my high school football coach John Danks, in my hometown at a football scrimmage. We began talking about players, teams, coaching and all the memories that go along with a conversation on a football Friday night in your hometown. The thing that struck me was I remember when he told us all one of the great secrets of life when we were young high school athletes. He told us that when all of it was over, when we had played our last game the thing that would matter the most was the memories we carried and the people we shared them with. Wow, that is what it’s all about. It speaks directly to the idea that Jim Murphy was talking about. This life and our march through it really is more about the journey than the results.
The reflections, conversations and readings I’ve had this week got me to dive into what is most important to me. When I became a head coach I worked hard at building a feeling of togetherness and when I became a principal I constantly reminded people that it was about relationships first, last and always. If we aren’t building an appreciation and love for the journey and the people we are on it with, the results don’t matter. The most fun I’ve ever had is visiting with the people I have suffered with talking about what we went through and all the laughs and even tears that come with those memories and lessons. The last thing we mention and sometimes we don’t even mention it is how successful we were. When I was a principal I used to tell our staff on the first day of each school year that people won’t remember everything you teach them but they will remember how you make them feel. Take a moment to think back about the teachers, coaches, bosses and coworkers you’ve had in your life. I bet the first thing that comes to your mind is how they made you feel and what opinion you have of them based on that experience. It isn't what you accomplished or didn’t accomplish.
This week I want to call on you to focus more on the journey and the people that are on it with you than the results. I will guarantee this will bring you more joy, happiness and ultimately success than being focused on the outcome. Start with making your interactions with people count by being kind, being a good listener and being genuinely engaged in your time with them. Have a great week and don’t forget to light the WICK of leadership.
Growing As A Leader Who Is A Reader
As a young kid I developed a love of reading. What I enjoyed most about books was that I could disappear into the characters and the stories being told. My imagination could wander to places I didn’t know existed, allowing me to see things from a perspective that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to have. I went off to college and all of that changed. I started to read for the purpose of consuming as much content specific material as I could. It didn’t take long and I had lost my joy for reading altogether. When I entered the workforce I remained on that path and saw reading as a chore more than an opportunity or a delight. Once I became a principal one of the things that came up over and over again was that “leaders were readers.” I took this so seriously that my focus on reading was solely directed towards improving as a principal and a leader of people. I was reading books on leadership, management, curriculum, instructional practices and culture, but I wasn’t going beyond those areas. The only thing I was consuming was what I felt was helping me become a better leader from a technical and practical sense. This strategy led to a lot of professional growth, helped me flatten the learning curve and even brought some excitement back to reading for me, however a problem was brewing.
I know you’ve all heard that “variety is the spice of life” and I certainly had variety in my professional readings. I read books and articles over the aforementioned topics, but I was neglecting some of the most important things I needed in my life. I needed to allow my mind to be entertained so my imagination could develop. There were lessons to be learned in reading fiction things like relationship dynamics as well as experiencing the emotions of characters that I could relate to. Through fiction I got to experience the emotions of people that were completely different from me and that could allow me to see things from a much different perspective.
When COVID hit us in 2020 I started to expand my reading and surprisingly discovered that some books weren’t meant to provide entertainment or an opportunity to gain knowledge. Some of the lessons I was learning from books were simply to reaffirm the things I already knew. Books could provide me with the comfort and confidence that I was on the right track and doing the right things to find what I was searching for or trying to achieve.. There might be several of you reading this and saying to yourself “this is pretty obvious to me, how did he not see this for himself?” I can tell you from my experience at that time I was treading water so frantically that I couldn’t see beyond my problems and fears. I was so afraid that I wasn’t prepared enough or didn’t know enough as a new school principal that I acquired serious tunnel vision. My only focus was on survival and what I needed to read next to keep me from drowning.
As I sit in my office writing this I’m looking at my book shelves and I can tell you what was going on in my life when I read those books. They are grouped on my shelves in chronological order of when I read them. What makes me chuckle now that I never noticed until today is that you can see exactly what my focus was because although they are in chronological order that are also ordered almost entirely by subject.. Biographies of historical figures and events, coaching biographies and manuals, books on instructional practices and curriculum, leadership books, self help books and fiction all grouped together by those subjects. As I look down towards the bottom of my book shelves you can see more variety in subject and content. It is no coincidence that during the time where I had the most variety in topics and subjects I was experiencing the most growth of my life and I was also happier than I had ever been.
I have hundreds of books and I can’t seem to get rid of a single one of them. This is a source of frustration for my wife because they do take up a lot of space and they seem to get heavier every single time we have moved to a new home.. Just this week I was talking to someone about how our books weren’t just books, they were a reference library for our lives. We needed to have them close by so we could use them over and over again. I may go years between looking through some of them but a conversation with someone may spark an idea or provide an opportunity for me to pass on some information from my personal library. There isn’t a book on any of my shelves that doesn’t have things underlined, circled, dog earned or notes written in the margins. Books are more than just books, they are a way to make us think, reflect, stimulate growth and spark ideas. They are tools, entertainment and a catalyst for change. If we want to lead we need to read, but more importantly we need to read beyond our chosen discipline, comfort zone or passions. We need to read everything, from fiction to self help. Imagine the influence actually reading books could have on us instead of being glued to our social media pages or whatever is streaming on the television. We need to make time to read each day. Just 20 minutes could make a significant change in your outlook and attitude. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Don’t Get It Wrong
When I graduated from college and got my first job as an educator and later when I became a principal I had several seasoned veterans give me the standard speech. Don’t let them see you smile until after Christmas break, don’t show your emotions and make sure you don’t give any leeway with your expectations. I listened to the advice I was receiving from the teachers and administrators around me that were leading in their buildings and I tried to follow that advice, but it just didn’t seem to work or fit my personality at all. Don’t get me wrong, not all of that advice was bad. Being grounded in my expectations with students and staff was very important, but those other things just didn’t hit the mark. I got it wrong with those things and years later I would make the necessary adjustments, but I wish I would have been confident enough to follow my instincts from the very beginning.
Leadership requires us to be clear and consistent. Those two things were the most important things for a young leader to learn and should have been my main focus. I didn’t need to change who I was. I could smile, share who I was, show appropriate emotions and build relationships as long as I maintained clear and consistent expectations, boundaries and procedures. When I followed that early advice I got it wrong. I didn’t rely on the thing that was my greatest asset, my own personality. I had a gift for humor and a calling to create community and build trusting relationships with my students and staff. The use of humor and fostering strong relationships requires you to use your emotions. The advice I was given and was trying to follow was in direct conflict with who I was and it was creating more problems than it was stability in my classroom and school.
The day would come when I would put it all together and realize that I could still be me as long as I was clear and consistent didn’t happen overnight. It took several years of trial and error, misery and joy, failure and success to build the formula that made the connection to what was required for me to be the best leader I could be. The answer ultimately came through my own reflection during a time where I was very unhappy and dissatisfied with my role as a leader. I realized I was trying to serve two philosophies. One built on the advice I was given by others and the other was built on my own core values and personality. It was really as simple as making a t-chart with two questions: What is working? and What isn’t working?
Once I had this list I got to work on what I could change. I started with the things I needed to focus on, the things I needed to eliminate that just didn’t work for me and the things that didn’t serve my students or staff. The answers to our problems are rarely complicated. We just need to take the time to slow down and do an honest reflection and evaluation on what’s wrong and how to improve it. Don’t get it wrong. Take the time to sit down and evaluate and reflect on the advice you are given even if it comes from experts in the field. You may need to try things out for a while to see if they fit, but the most important thing to remember is to be clear and consistent. As long as you’re able to do that you’ll have the ability and freedom to take some chances and figure out what works best for you.
Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Three Types of Regret
Regret is a simple six letter word defined by google as: a negative emotional state of wishing you had made a different choice in the past that can lead to feelings of disappointment and self-blame. After reading that definition I consider regret a four letter word. Regret doesn’t serve us or those around us. Regret is the byproduct of bad decisions, inaction or wasted time. This week I really took some time after listening to John Perry’s podcast Never Stop Getting Better to think about regret and how to classify it in my experiences as a leader for myself and others.
I believe there are three types of regret:
Regret in the choices we make
Regret in not taking action
Regret in the time we waste
Choices
The type of regret we are probably most familiar with on a daily basis is regretting the choices we make that were bad decisions that had a negative outcome in our lives or the lives of those we lead on a daily basis whether it is our family, friends or people we work with. These kinds of choices can be eliminated or at the very least limited in our lives by slowing down and thinking through our decisions instead of making snap decisions and judgements. We often move faster than we need to and create a situation where we just don’t analyze what is in front of us. There are even times where we act out of our own convenience because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable. This strategy eventually ends up being our own undoing and it’s just not worth it in the end but we still do it from time to time. The barometer for making decisions should always come down to what is moral and fair. Using those two guides has rarely made for a decision I regret later on.
Action
For years I wanted to write a book. I talked about it and wrote down ideas but I never started. Do you know why? I was scared I was afraid to put myself out there and take the risk of being judged. I made so many excuses and had so many reasons/justifications for not starting that they had their own zip code. It was ridiculous. I remember a D-1 coach coming to do a summer camp for me one time and he asked a kid, “what do you want to have at the end of the season?” The kid looked him in the eye and said “I want to be a state medalist” The coach without missing a beat said “when are you going to start?" The kid had his own excuses for why he hadn’t done the work and the coach didn’t let him off the hook he told him “the only thing you’re going to get if you don’t put in the work is REGRET.” We have got to take action. Nothing is going to look perfect, we aren’t going to know everything we need to know, so get started. Movement is better than sitting around watching the paint dry. Just take the leap it's better than saying to yourself “I wish I would’ve.” Why live with that phrase when you don’t have to?
Waste
The last kind of regret is wasting time. This type of regret is the most silent and deadly form of regret there is. With the invention of technology dating back before the industrial revolution we have been making life easier and with that people now have more time on their hands. This isn’t a bad thing but we don’t use that time like we should. How many of you pick up your cell phone and look at how much screen time you are putting in each day. I would bet most of you even get the notification that sends you how much time you average on your cell phone each day that week. This needs to be a wake up call for all of us to get more engaged in our own lives and the world around us. Just ask yourself this one simple question at the end of your lifetime: Do you want to be taking your last breath and wish you would have spent more time living life or scrolling through it?
None of us are perfect. We will have regret in life, but when you look at the decisions you make, the actions you take and the time you waste, is it worth the feeling of regret? Do you want to feel that sorrow, do you want to know life could have been so much more, do you want to have the REGRETS of a life that didn’t serve you to the fullest? I hope this week’s blog was one you could identify with and take something from that will improve your life. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Establishing High Standards
I post a leadership tip of the day to my social media pages 6 days a week and they’re inspired by the conversations I have with other leaders, books I’m reading or conversations with my clients. Last week I was meeting with a potential client who was really struggling with setting the standards and goals for his staff. He knew where he wanted to go, but he was afraid of how it would be received by his staff and if it would create a backlash that he might not be able to overcome. As a leader we should always be thinking about how to work with others and get the best out of them by providing the support they need to reach the standard that has been established. That is good leadership, however the train tends to go off the rails when we compromise what is best for what is comfortable.
Most people live in a state of comfort and doing hard things isn’t their idea of a good time. As a leader if you are choosing comfort over high standards then you are choosing to limit your opportunity for success. The leader I was talking with knew that they needed to raise their standards if they wanted to have any chance of meeting their goals for the next year. He even went as far as to say “if we don’t have high standards and goals that challenge us we won’t even come close to meeting the requirements of the minimum standard” He went on to say “our board doesn’t want mediocre and neither do I, we want excellence” Those statements told me two things. The first was that he knew that he needed to raise the bar for his staff; he had to put forward a bold vision even if it was scary for people to hear. The second was that he was already in trouble because he was considering compromising what he knew to be right because it was going to be hard for the staff to accept.
So what is his course of action? He has three basic options to choose from. The first is he can go ahead and compromise what he knows to be the right thing in order to make the staff happy and eventually resent his staff. The second choice is to do absolutely nothing and wish and want for some magical miracle to happen and be disappointed in yourself for not having the character to do the hard things that need to be done.. The third choice is to make the necessary changes and provide the support and encouragement that the people need to get the job done. It’s obvious that the final option is the best option but there is one key element that will determine its success. The culture of your building specifically if you have created a team of people that have trust in you and each other based on a solid foundation of integrity, transparency and collaboration.
One final thing to keep in mind is things won’t change overnight even if you have a committed staff. It will take a lot of hard work and commitment to have a culture where the standards are high and being met on a daily basis. The part of this puzzle that will separate you from all the others is not giving up. High Standards scare people and goals that are difficult to achieve bring out doubters and nay sayers. It’s important for you not to give up or give in. People will want to give up even some of your best team members. It's human nature. Your job is to encourage them and work to provide them with what they need. Listen to them, validate their feelings but don’t make excuses because the standard is still the standard regardless of the situation.
Call To Action
This week take some time to sit down with yourself and think about the standards you want your organization, business or team to have. Once you have done that, ask yourself do we have the culture that will embrace working on meeting the high standards needed to be excellent? If your answer is no then you need to start working on integrity, transparency, trust and collaboration. If your answer is yes then you can get to work on rolling out those high standards. One final bit of advice when you take over a leadership role that’s the time to establish and implement high standards. Don’t ease your way into it. I’ve made that mistake and it’s a painful and difficult lesson you don’t want to make if you can avoid it. Have a great week and remember to light the WICK of leadership by bringing the energy to ignite your staff everyday.
Chain Of Communication Not The Chain Of Command
When I was a young person the phrase “chain of command” was something that would make me so frustrated and more often than not angry every time I heard it. I believed it was just a polite way of giving me the run around and putting as many people between what I felt the problem was and a real solution. I wasn’t sure exactly why but I suspected that it was because they didn’t care enough about what some kid had to say to do anything about it. The older I got the more I was told that it was a way to be more efficient and solve the problem closer to where it originated from for a better, more informed solution. It was a system of leadership with a variety of different ranks and positions. With maturity this made sense to me and I learned to accept it until…….
When I got out of college I had to take on some real leadership responsibilities in my first professional job. Prior to becoming a leader I relied on others to make the changes I felt necessary, now I was in a position to make changes, fix problems and act on the ideas of other people. But it was made clear to me by my supervisors that the chain of command was to keep things off of their plates that were “below their pay grade.” This took me back to what I had mentioned previously and it disappointed me. I realized that if I wanted to see a change in the chain of command then it was up to me to do it from the inside out.
I started to ask questions and really think about what I wanted the chain of command to look like for all of the different groups I was leading. The first thing I needed to do was to define what the chain of command was? Merriam Webster states that it’s “a series of executive positions in order of authority.” This makes sense and it definitely jibes with what I had been told a chain of command was supposed to do, but I still didn’t like it. Over the next couple of years I continued to ask myself what is the chain of command? It eventually came to me one day when I was listening to a problem that one of our staff members was having with a colleague. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why this problem was in front of me and why I was hearing about it for the first time from this staff member. This problem should have been reported to me by another supervisor first. This was especially frustrating given that the problem had been going on for months and the solution seemed so simple.
The chain of command in its most basic form is a communication tool. One person communicating with another about an idea, concern or set of problems that need attention. Once I realized this I asked myself what is the most important lesson about communication that I have ever learned? Communication has to be clear, concise and consistent. In my opinion these are the pillars that are central to having successful communication in a team or organization. A great example of how poor communication would occur with no real chain of command would be the following.
There is a race across the state you live in and you are going to compete. There are several teams in the race but each team must have five people, travel on foot, carry their own supplies and only use a compass to guide them from the start line to the finish line. If the communication in this group isn’t clear,if the decision making process lacks decisiveness and if you lack any real leaders in the group it could be nearly impossible to gain a consensus to even move a short distance let alone the entire distance across the state through the wilderness. Your group could have clear communication and have a great leadership structure developed but if you are not decisive or concise in your decision making it will most likely not reach its potential. You have to have all three of those pillars in order to have a chance to win the race. The day to day operations of your organization are no different.
Remember that young kid (me) I mentioned in the beginning who didn’t like the chain of command and thought it was an excuse. I wish somebody could’ve explained the chain of command to me from a communication perspective rather than the perspective of a hierarchical leadership structure. Think about how my experiences would have been different if they said we want to help you and we want to make sure we work together to share the message and concerns in a way that people understand them so we can work with our entire team to come up with a solution? That sounds a lot better than what is your problem? I will see what I can do? Or I will take it to my boss for consideration and get back to you? The first version seems like I’m being listened to and people really are taking action because we are actually communicating. The second version just sounds like excuses.
As leaders we need to make sure that we frame the chain of command as a tool for problem solving but we must remain aware that there are people that see it as nothing more than a way to give them the “run around.” For those people we have to take the extra time to show them that the chain of command is a communication tool that’s made to provide them with the best opportunity to be heard. In order to do this as leaders we need to be certain to act with integrity, be kind and to remain committed to serving the people involved in our organizations. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Are You Wishing For A Big Break?
Hitting the lottery, finding that one great revolutionary idea that will help me strike it rich, that long lost relative that leaves me a surprise inheritance that will change my life. Tell me you haven’t dreamt of these things before and I will question your honesty. This idea of catching that one big break the easy way is as much a part of the American dream as anything. It can be fun and exciting to think about what would happen if we struck it rich or found instant success. People are always in search of that one great idea, that one great opportunity that’s so special that’s so unique that it will change their life. I can't say that I blame them really. I mean it’s a great distraction and it can provide us with a bit of hope. The fact that we could become rich in a moment's notice is why people bet on sports, that's why people go to casinos and buy lottery tickets. The idea of putting in minimal effort and getting everything we want seems pretty appealing.
I know personally I think about these things because I’ve taken my turn at slot machines, purchased more than my fair share of lottery tickets and bet on a Super Bowl or two, however at the end of the day, the things that are going to change my life are not the things that come easily, and they’re not the things that happen overnight. One indicator of this is when you hear stories about people who get a large lottery payout for millions of dollars only to go bankrupt a few years later. They may have won big but didn’t put in the work, sacrifice and dedication to get there that will create a foundation of positive behaviors and choices. I may win a couple of hundred dollars in a slot machine but do I put it away and invest it? I sure don’t because I didn’t sacrifice to get it. The money came too easily so it was easy for me to gamble it away again or spend it on things I don’t need. The get rich quick moment just won’t take us to the next level. Obviously the odds are against that happening but the things that will truly enrich our lives are the basic everyday things we do over and over and over again. They are the boring things that people don’t like to do and so often overlook or take for granted because they’re searching for the easy way to get what they want.
The people that will achieve the most success don’t get bored with the small everyday tasks that aren’t glamorous or fun; they keep doing them regardless of how they feel. The difference between the people who get it and the people that don’t most generally is what you are willing to do to get it, are you willing to sacrifice? Are you willing to be committed? Are you willing to learn from those that come before you because if you are, if you’re willing to do all those things you have the opportunity to get where you want to go?
I used to sit around and say things like “if only this could happen, if only that could happen, if this one thing just broke this direction everything would change for me and it would completely make my life better.” The problem with that is those things just don’t happen. We waste time wishing instead of working. I’ve got to focus on what I can do. What do I already have? What are the things that I possess that will allow me to get better to improve my situation? The odds are against me if I’m trying to come up with that one great idea or one big score. The odds are in my favor if I do the simple things every day there’s no denying it.
So stop looking and wishing for the quick fix and get fascinated with the simple things, the mundane, the everyday things, the sacrifices, the struggles, the suffering; those are the things that will take you to where you want to go now. Is it true that our neighbor may strike it rich? Is it true that somebody we know might hit the lottery? Is it true that somebody might hit a $1 million bet that we hear about of course it is but those things are so incredibly rare in life. How about we stop wasting our time wishing on one thing and throw our energy into what works. This doesn’t mean we stop dreaming, it just means we need to find a better way to take action in order to achieve our dreams. Have a great week and don’t forget when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Hoops, Circles, Rings and Wheels
Leadership is always on my mind and I’m constantly on the lookout for examples of it regardless of where I am or what time of day it is. Today I saw a video of my youngest granddaughter trying to master the hula hoop and I immediately had a thought come to me.. Something I’ve mentioned in some of my previous writings is that we make Leadership more complicated than it has to be. We get distracted, deterred or disappointed and we forget that as long as we focus on the simple things that we will be able to lead at an exceptional level. I know plenty of people would disagree with my philosophy of leadership being simple but look no further than things like hoops, circles, rings and wheels.. My little granddaughter and her hula hoop really brought this to my attention. She was smiling, laughing and trying her heart out to make one of the cheapest and most simple toys in the world work.
We hear references and see symbolism that shows us just how important something as simple as a circle can be on a daily basis.. Think of colloquialisms like “circle the wagons,” “the circle of trust” or “a full circle moment” that have found their ways into movies and have become quotes that we can all recognize. Those three quotes are references to defending your people, loyalty, togetherness and a sense of strength. Take a look at the wedding ring. It's a symbol of our love and devotion to our partners in life. The Olympic rings are also symbols of togetherness, hope and peace. The wheel, how significant was it in the history of the world? One of the most important and dependable inventions of all time. Not only did the wheel keep us moving but it made moving much easier and allowed us more time to be more productive in our jobs and in our personal lives.
A circle is roughly defined as a shape that consists of all the points in a plane that are equal distance from the central point. When I hear this definition I don’t think of the mathematics behind the shape itself, but I go back to some of my favorite memories as a head wrestling coach. When we would start and end our practices and meets we would circle up and talk about what was going to or had happened that day. This was a time where we got to look each other in the eyes and offer encouragement, accountability and support. We knew we were in it together for better or worse. We were all equal distance from what we wanted to achieve and our job was to move together and maintain a unified distance so we could get closer and closer to achieving our goals and dreams as one cohesive unit.
The problem we would often run into was some people did not keep their eye on the prize or do their part and the circle would start to look more like a flat tire and get harder and harder to turn over. This wouldn’t necessarily be something that happened on purpose or even intentionally. We simply had times where we stopped doing the simple things. We might get bored, complacent or we may even feel like we could skip the small simple things because we had become too advanced. In other words we were over confident and took the simple things for granted. When this happens what do we do? Just like any situation, how we choose to react will make the biggest impact. This will ultimately decide if we will improve our situation or if we will keep trying to drive on that flat tire that I mentioned earlier.
Leadership was no different for me than it was for most of you. We do the best we can and in the beginning we are going to make a lot of mistakes. It took some experiences where I broke the circle of trust, failed to circle the wagons or drove for too long on a flat tire before I would learn how to react appropriately. I would grasp for straws and try to find some new and innovative idea or program to lead me back to where I wanted to be. I would also even try to ignore the problem and hope it went away, but neither of those strategies ever worked too well for me. After I learned to reflect and evaluate my situation I discovered that the best reaction that led to the best outcome was when I kept it simple. When I stuck with the fundamentals, maintained consistency and used best practices things would stabilize for me. It didn’t matter if it was in my professional or personal life it came back to the simple everyday things that made the greatest impact.
Taking a more simplified approach didn’t mean I stopped taking risks or trying to look at things outside of the box. What it did mean was that I needed to be selective and use the best data and strategies I could when I tried something new or was working to solve a problem. When I started to take a more simplified approach consistently using the skills and strategies that were proven to work, being a leader became much more enjoyable and exciting for me. I stopped worrying about things going wrong because I was more confident in the fact that I wasn’t trying to overcomplicate the tasks at hand. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
The “What If?” Question
What if? It’s one of the most productive and destructive questions in the world. Now in my 50s, I wish I would have taken the time to ask my parents and grandparents what they thought of the question of what if? I had a football coach that used to use the old adage “if, ifs and butts were candy and nuts it would be Christmas year round.” I just got used to thinking about what if as a negative in terms of an excuse or a negative way to view what had happened to me. It wasn’t until much later that I started to look at the question of what if in an entirely different light.
The destructive what if, is a deadly trap that can lead to despair, heartache and an endless bag of excuses that will turn you into nothing more than a victim. Once you reach into the bag of what if victimhood it’s hard to find your way out and unfortunately some people never do? This is the what if that focuses on the past and the things that happen to us that are beyond our control. When we engage in this side of what if we are infecting ourselves with a plague that can spread like wildfire.
I talk about the death of my father often and how it has shaped my life. My mother through her love, wisdom and leadership didn’t ever engage in the what if, at least not in my presence. She had already experienced hardship in her life and had been a single mother before she met my father. She knew there was a way through the tough times and that things would work out. The key was facing forward and then moving in that direction. The fires my mother had walked through always seemed to prepare her for the next challenge. Her example was something I just followed. There was never a word mentioned about avoiding or ignoring the what if question. It was something we just didn’t engage in. I never even considered a scenario of what if my father hadn’t passed when I was 7 years old? It wasn’t going to help anything and it wasn’t a part of our reality.
I briefly thought about this question last week when I was thinking about my own legacy and quickly shut it down. As soon as I asked the question I realized my life wouldn’t be the same without the tragedy that had occurred in it. Simply put I couldn’t imagine how things could have been better. The things that happen to us shape us and build us for our purpose so we can have a greater impact and a better tomorrow. So, how do we go from the destruction in the question of what if to the productive and positive question of what if? If you haven’t already connected the dots the question of what if being destructive or productive is time based. When we are facing a decision or a problem that needs solving we are in the moment or looking to the future. This is when what if becomes a tool. What if helps us create scenarios and pathways to foster discussion and debate that will lead us towards a better way.
Some of my favorite discussions, debates and collaborations have been born from that simple question of what if? What if is one of the most inspiring questions in the world. It can redefine what is possible and bring a sense of wonderment, joy, purpose and power into our daily lives. When we are able to ask the question of what if in a room of people who are trying to solve a problem or find a better way we open up a new avenue to hope. There is an opportunity for us to use our collective strengths to rise to a new level. There is no danger in the experiment of what if we try this? What if we try that? What if we add here and subtract there? We aren’t living in the past in this scenario, we are looking to the future.
So, what if? Is it good, bad, or both? It’s both because what if is really two separate questions. It is one phrase with two words and two meanings. Your choice is, do you wish to be committed to looking forward or doomed to looking in the past at what you cannot change? Have a great week and don’t forget when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Manifesting, Is It Real?
Is the idea that you can manifest things to happen for you a real thing? I hear people argue that it is real and they absolutely swear that manifesting does happen. I also hear people who disagree completely and find it preposterous that you can make something happen that you want to see happen. They believe it is all about your actions and in their mind there is no other explanation. I’m always surprised that this is a debate. If you go to google it will tell you that manifesting is “The practice of using focused thoughts, visualization and affirmations to bring goals into reality. Rooted in the belief that a positive mindset influences outcomes, it combines psychological priming with intentional action.” When I evaluate the definition it sounds to me that if you live with intentional positivity in your actions, thoughts and self talk more positive things will happen for you. If you combine those things with putting in the work how can you ever go wrong?
I look no further than my own life to realize that when I focus on intentional positivity in my relationships with other people, my goals and even myself that things are more likely to work out for me than not. When I have accomplished big things or small things that required effort they were only fully achieved because I was intentionally and positively determined to make them happen. When I have failed or fallen short of my goals I can with almost 100% certainty identify the role negative thoughts and feelings played in the outcome. Take some time right now and look back on some of your accomplishments both big and small and evaluate your attitude, feelings and effort that went into making them happen for you. Then take a few minutes to look at the things you have failed to accomplish and do the same thing.
Why is it that people continue to debate the idea of manifesting being a legitimate or real part of success? Is it that we have been so accustomed to the idea that hard work is the be all, end all in becoming a success? When it comes to success I think manifesting and a high level of effort and commitment are like the old story of the chicken and the egg. You can’t have one without the other. So back to my original question: is manifesting real? I say it is real and if you're hung up on the word then change it instead of manifesting say you are going to be positive. This last week I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger talking about his time as the Governor of California. He mentioned that he worked to bring both sides of an argument together by simply changing one word in an issue that divided both parties and it created common ground between the two sides. I would wager that most people who believe in manifesting and those who don’t really aren’t that far apart. It’s more in the words that are used than it is in the practice of how to obtain success.
Success isn’t mutually exclusive to one strategy; it takes an entire tool box of skills and a truck load of ideas to get you to where you want to go. Don’t limit yourself based on a word without evaluating what it means, because you may already be halfway there. Have a great week and don’t forget when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Serving On A Team, What A Privilege
The older I get the more reflective I have become about the things I have enjoyed the most in my life and why they stick out as such special memories. One of the things I have been reflecting on a lot this week has been how special it is to be a part of a team that is trying to achieve their goals through a common mission and vision. There is nothing like the feeling you get when you work with a team that is firing on all cylinders and are truly invested in the process.
I’ve been on all kinds of teams in my life starting at an early age with athletic teams and moving into city and church boards, to district leadership teams as well as being a part of leadership in professional organizations. Each of these experiences have been special, and a question I often get asked is what do you like more, being the leader of a team or being a member of a team? This question has always confused me because as far as I was concerned every member of a team has leadership responsibilities and a team is the sum of its collective parts. The leader is a member of the team and the members of the team are leaders.
The pure joy, pride and excitement that comes from being on a really great team is rooted in some common concepts. Teams must be collaborative, honest, consistent, committed and have an unwavering trust in one another. The bonds that are formed from the work you do with one another create a sense of loyalty and strength of service you can’t find in any other setting. One of the things you will often hear soldiers talk about even more than love of country and patriotism is the bond and commitment they have to those that serve beside them. When they were in combat they didn’t want to let down the soldiers that were shoulder to shoulder with them. They had trained, sacrificed, broken bread, and bled together and they believed in each other and had a real sense of obligation and love for those they experienced combat with.
This week on several different occasions I’ve tried to describe what being on a team means and feels like to me. I couldn’t put how I felt into words but I could think of things that you could draw some comparisons from.
If you have ever hit a baseball and felt it jump off the sweet spot of the bat that is what it feels like
When you got your driver's license and went for your first solo drive that is what being on a team feels like
The first time you rode a roller coaster and felt how exhilarating it is, that is what being on a team feels like.
The first paycheck you get from your first job is what being on a team feels like
Coming down stairs on Christmas morning and seeing what Santa brought you is what being on a team feels like.
I could go on and on and on and on but I think you get the picture. Taking the time to get to know people and build something together is special. It is a moment in time that you will always share from the successes to the failures and not a single soul can take that from you. So you might be asking what is the point of my post this week. The point is don’t take the teams you are on for granted. Being a member of a team is an opportunity not just to achieve something great but to create a bond with people that will last a lifetime. I still talk to the kids I played my first little league game with and all the players, coaches, and teachers I have worked with over the years. My life is more full because of them and your life will be more full because of the teams you have the privilege to be a part of in your lifetime. Have a great week and don’t forget when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Core Values, Core Beliefs and Core Truths
There is one thing that seems to continue to bubble to the surface when we talk about successful companies, schools, teams or people and it is their core values. I don’t think we can deny that core values are an important part of the identity of any organization or person. We hear principals, CEOs and entrepreneurs talk about their core values time and time again but I think this is only part of what I’m starting to see as “the core.” What do I mean by “the core” ? Well, it came to me just recently when I was talking to a group in Illinois about where I grew up.
In our formative years our family, friends and the many communities we are a part of play a significant role in determining our core values. I began to look at my core values like the foundation of a home. The values you learn as a child from the people around you provide you with your compass, the very rocks you stand on when you need stability the most. This foundation allows us to go into the world with something that will allow us to look at our experiences and make the decisions that will help us get to the next level. These experiences along with the values you already have will become your core beliefs and these beliefs will become the framework of your home. You can’t have a good structure without a strong foundation and solid framing.
The storms you face can only be survived with a sense of absolute truth and faith in your determination to sacrifice in order for you to achieve your goals and dreams. This is the roof of your home. The core truth stabilizes everything and ties it all together keeping out the weather so your walls don’t rot and your foundation doesn’t collapse. The core truth is the most difficult part of “the core” concept. It requires you to be absolutely honest with yourself and it also depends on your ability to be tough enough not to compromise your values and beliefs. There is no compromise with the truth; it is the line in the sand that must not be crossed. Once you compromise the truth your roof is not protecting you it is failing. What will start out as a single drip of water through a tiny hole will become a huge gaping mess if you aren’t vigilant. So, this week I have some homework for you. Take some time to answer the questions below and really think about the home you are building.
What are the core values you learned in your formative years? Where did they come from and why are they important to you?
What are the core beliefs you have developed during the key moments in your life? What are those moments that led to those beliefs? Why are they important?
What are the core truths that keep your home safe from the things that can tear it apart? Why are those the core truths that you have landed on as your line in the sand?
I would love to know your answers to these questions. I would imagine your insights could be a source of inspiration not just for you but also for myself and the people I visit and work with on a daily basis. Feel free to reach out @jovestickel or leave a message at jovestickel.com. Have a great week and remember as always when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
How Do We Know What Hard Work Is?
How do we measure hard work? Is there a real metric to tell us that we are working hard? Is it progress and growth or is it accomplishing the goals we want to achieve? Is hard work meeting the standard or exceeding it. How about the hours we work, does that play a factor in if we are working hard or not? Is what hard work looks like determined by my boss or is it determined by me? Is how I feel about the work I do play a factor in determining if I have worked hard? If I feel good is that a sign of hard work or do I have to be miserable and suffering for hard work to exist? The last time I checked there is no real common or acceptable metric for how we determine hard work? At least not one that we all adhere to and accept.
I know over the years the things I’ve mentioned above have been what I have used to measure the success I was having as an individual, and also in the buildings I was working in. This is such a tough thing to measure because of all of the variables mentioned above. I do think that through a lot of reflection, experience and discussions with other people that I have studied or spoken with over the years I have come up with an answer to the question of what is hard work?
One of the things I’ve observed over the years is that most everybody thinks two things about themselves. The first is they want to be successful and the second is that they work hard. Those two things are often not the reality of what is happening. Those two things are deeply connected to one another. We know success doesn’t happen overnight and that we have to persevere and work to get it. The problem occurs when people’s actions don’t meet what they are saying. After years of experience in my own life both professionally and personally I know I thought I wanted to achieve a lot of things and I also know I thought I worked hard. Unfortunately when things weren’t going the way I had hoped or wanted I wasn’t completely honest with myself. I would say to my peers and family that I was working hard on this thing or that thing but the reality was I wasn’t doing, are you ready for it? The HARD WORK. You see that is where working hard really begins and ends. It is with doing the tough things, the things we don’t want to do or like to do. We avoid being uncomfortable way too often and we don’t go all out.
The truth is we rationalize, find barriers and talk too much about all of the obstacles in our way instead of really going all in and being in a relentless pursuit of what we want. We become experts in fooling ourselves way too easily. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t on purpose and we don’t do it to fool ourselves or anyone else it happens naturally. We fail to be vigilant, reflect and take action. How does this happen? It's simple: we get tired, we become distracted by the outside noise and doubt that others may have and we let our guards down.
Call To Action
In order to ensure we are working hard everyday we need to make sure we are doing the hard work. Start with writing down your goals and keep them posted. I used to write personal goals on my bathroom mirror at home. Professional goals were always on a notecard on my desk. When things started to get hard I would go back to my mantra that I refer to often,“when my commitment is greater than my feelings I get results.” Develop your own mantra that keeps you on track. Journal how you feel when you are working on your goals and be honest. Those reflections will be a personal guide post for what you need to do. If you feel uncomfortable or frustrated then you know you are on the right track. Those feelings will lead you to the next set of questions: why do I feel this way? Followed by, what can I do to address it? Making sure you are actually doing the hard work is a skill and just like any other skill you will need to practice it over and over again until you have the strength and expertise to work through it. Once you can do this you are definitely working hard and doing the HARD WORK!
A Higher Standard
I have always been fascinated with Abe Lincoln. His rise from poverty and hardship as a young child to become the 16th President of the United States of America is one of the most tremendous stories of inspiration, persistence and achievement that we have ever seen. He had a rough upbringing, losing a mother at an early age, teaching himself how to read, overcoming several key losses in his career and personal life that would have destroyed most people. These hardships don’t even include leading America through the Civil War that had torn a nation completely in half. The ability Lincoln had to overcome adversity spoke to his resilience but it also spoke more deeply to his character.
Today I was reading a book I picked up at the Lincoln Presidential Museum in Springfield, IL titled The Wit and Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln. This book is a collection of Lincoln quotes, adages, speeches and other significant writings of his. Early in the book I was pulled in by a quote that I had never heard before he said “some things that are legally right are not necessarily morally right.” Why did this stick out so much to me? I think it spoke to the core of who I am and how I was raised. As people it is important to hold ourselves to the highest of standards regardless of how uncomfortable that is even if I’m allowed to do something that is morally questionable or bankrupt. The standard shouldn’t be if we are allowed to do something legally but if it’s fair and just for everyone. Lincoln was dealing with a system that was set up under a set of principles that discounted a large part of the population by law but he was smart enough to understand that it didn’t make it morally right.
The real question is how are you going to make sure you are on the right side of it all. Will you compromise your morals because you can do so legally or will you hold fast to what is morally just rather than lower your bar because the law says you can? I would imagine many leaders will say that I’m over simplifying this dilemma, however do we aspire to be great or do we aspire to be mediocre? I don’t believe this is a new problem for people. Abe Lincoln was President over 150 years ago and it was clearly an issue then and still is today. This shouldn’t detract us from committing to a life where we strive to live at a higher standard. Greatness lies in the sacrifice not in what is easiest. When we make decisions simply because we can we sell ourselves short but when we make decisions based on what is morally right we lift everyone up. Make the decision to live and lead by a higher standard and you will never regret it. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Passion, Persistence, and Force
I love these three words: passion, persistence and force. My friend Dr. Terrie Werzbacher was recently discussing these words on her daily hotline “Terrie Talks” 210-390-6100. They’re so important in the journey to accomplishing what we want to achieve. When I was starting out as a coach I used these words a lot but they were always stand alone words. I would regularly speak to my teams with passion about having passion for the sport we were competing in, the work it involved and the process it took to get to the end results. Any endeavor without passion isn’t nearly as gratifying, exciting or fun as when you have passion for it. Persistence was probably the world I focused on the most. I learned persistence as a young athlete from the sport of wrestling. Nothing has ever been as humbling to me as learning how to wrestle. The amount of repetition, sweat and discomfort you endure was something that spoke to me as a youngster. Learning how to be persistent has stayed with me throughout my life even in times when I lost my way. It would be persistence that would help me find my way back. And finally the world force. I talked to our athletes about imposing their will on their opponents all of the time. It was about being stubborn when they needed to be and not giving in when things got tough. They had worked too hard and come too far not to do everything in their power to achieve what they wanted in a competition.
It wasn’t until I was late in my career that I began to understand that these words were not stand alone words they were always working in conjunction with one another. They needed each other as much as we needed each of them. If I had passion but lacked persistence then I really wasn’t passionate at all I was merely posing as a person with passion. In essence I was lying to myself. If I had persistence but lacked passion how far could my persistence take me. Eventually without passion my persistence would wane and my mind would wander into new areas of distraction or interest. What about force? How does that figure into all of this? I needed force not just when facing my opponents but when I was facing my own self doubt or when I didn’t feel like doing the work. For example I’m a run streaker and the day I reached my four years of running at least a mile a day everyday for four years I didn’t want to run that day. I have passion for running and the streak itself and with any streak we must have persistence. The force I needed was the will to do it even when I didn't want to.
We need to understand not one word, concept, phrase or program can carry us to where we need to go and neither can an entire arsenal of those things. I needed passion, persistence and force to keep me going. We aren’t always going to be on our game. We have good days and bad days and that is why we need all three of those things together to get us to where we want to go. We have to use our entire tool box to reach our goals. There will be days where I need a hammer and a crowbar and other days when I need a wrench and a screwdriver and other days where I need all four of them. The key is we have to have all of them and not only know how to use them but more importantly we need to know how to use them together.