You’re Tougher Than You Think
Our brain is such a complex machine, it’s impressive. The things our brains can imagine and make happen are truly amazing. Now, with that in mind our brain can also be a mean and nasty little trickster that will hold us back and make us think that we can’t accomplish things that are well within our grasp. Our brain sends us all kinds of false messages. It tells us we are hungry when we aren’t. It will tell us we can’t run another step because we are tired. It will tell us we aren’t smart enough, good enough or deserving enough to achieve important objectives and goals we have set for ourselves. I can still remember my coaches in high school telling me I wasn’t tired yet. They would tell me that my body was capable of so much more. My brain needed to build the muscles necessary to catch up with my body. In other words I needed to develop some mental toughness and resolve. When I became a coach I followed up with the same exact lines that were rooted in my own experiences. I was recently listening to Brian Cain on his podcast “Mental Performance Daily” and he said something that summed this up perfectly “our brain controls our effort.”
The limits we impose on ourselves are often not a reflection of the reality of our situation but rather a narrative that we have created within ourselves based on comfort. This isn’t the first time in the book that I have mentioned comfort and more specifically getting comfortable being uncomfortable. Our minds want us to be comfortable. It feels good. It doesn't matter if we are talking about something physical or mental comfort is what we think of when we think of happiness. Look no further than the phrase comfort food. I mean we have a category of food devoted to making us feel comfortable. For me a good mac and cheese dish baked in the oven with some crispy edges and that cheese bubbling on top does it for me. Oh and a good plate of some homemade fried chicken, potatoes and gravy will always make me feel nice and warm inside.
Our growth and our comfort needs to lie more with being uncomfortable. That is when we help our brain catch up to what we are really capable of. My toughness requires me to be able to go farther than my own comfort to become comfortable in dark spaces where I’m hungry, tired, nervous, unsure, and maybe even a little scared. Those feelings aren’t going to last forever and that is what you need to remind yourself of as soon as any doubt creeps in and you feel like you should just stop and be satisfied with being comfortable.
Call To Action
How are you going to stretch yourself today to go beyond your comfort level and prove to yourself that you are tougher than you think? You can do this every single day. Run for one more minute than you did yesterday. If you're a salesman, make 5 more sales calls this week than you did last week and keep building on it. If you’re a principal, get into a few more classrooms. It really doesn’t matter what you do, just do more than you think you're capable of. That is what separates the average people from successful people. You don’t aspire to be average if you did you wouldn’t have purchased this book.
It’s Just Not Fair
These state mandates aren’t fair. The funding allotted to our department isn’t fair. The standard they are holding us to isn’t fair. The protocols aren’t fair. The perception of me and our staff isn’t fair. How many times have you thought that, said that or heard that in some form or another? I know it’s countless times because I used to say those same things and not think twice about it and when I first became a Principal I was still doing it and to this day I’m upset that I let that kind of a poisonous narrative to infiltrate our mission.
It seems harmless enough to mention how unfair those things are and to have a belief that they are true is another subject altogether. It's unfair, has to be one of the biggest cop outs of all time. This cheap phrase is nothing more than an excuse for us not to achieve. First of all by saying it isn’t fair it takes away from the validity we have in our skills and hard work. It’s saying that those things can’t possibly make a difference. Secondly it is contrary to the truth. The world is full of examples of people who have faced tremendous odds and overcome them to be successful. As a matter of fact the most successful people in the world had to overcome adversity that many of us couldn’t even imagine not just once, not just twice but hundreds or thousands of times. Take the time to read a biography or do some research on Michael Jordan, Abe Lincoln or Ed Mylett. You will find that they had the ability to overcome the odds that many people would say were unfair if they were faced with them. Finally as a leader when you validate something as unfair it makes it ok to have excuses and rationalizations for all kinds of other things. More importantly it makes it ok to accept defeat without even trying. If we do this enough times it just isn’t something we say when things get tough it becomes a rallying cry for never even trying in the first place.
Call To Action
Stop saying the phrase “it’s unfair.” Go as far as to keep track of how many times you and your staff say it. I guarantee you will be shocked at how often it comes up. Then make a decision that this phrase has to be eliminated and that starts with you not only committing not to say it but educating and helping your staff shift that mindset as well. If the smartest people in the building succumb to not being able to do something because it’s not fair what message does that send? Good luck and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results. Have a great week.
It’s None of Your Business What Other People Think Of You
As a leader you will be under tremendous scrutiny for the decisions you make. Those decisions are bound to make some people upset and at times very angry. People will talk bad about you and other people will love to tell you about it regardless of whether you ask them to or not. How people feel about you shouldn’t change how you treat them. As a leader it is important to always maintain a professional demeanor and approach towards others. You, more than anyone, have to be a partner with everyone and you can’t afford to let your emotions about how people feel about you cloud your judgement. Elenor Roosevelt is credited with the phrase “What other people think of me is none of my business.” She was 100% correct in what she was saying.
I know as a human being not just a leader that I want to be liked it is a natural feeling. I mean who doesn’t want people to like them? I also know that I spent a lot of time in my life worrying and obsessing about what others thought of me and that made me a less happy person and leader. When I’m focused on what others think about my decisions it can lead to errors in my own judgement and it can even compromise my own character and integrity. The more high profile your leadership position the more opinions people will have about you. Let me be clear I’m not talking about feedback here I’m talking about people just saying hateful, nasty or unkind things about you.
This all goes back to putting your energy into the things that are positive. If people choose to be hateful or mean it’s their problem and it doesn’t serve me. They’re free to feel the way they want but I don’t have to make it my problem or allow it to distract me from my mission.
Call To Action
Resist the urge to try to convince others to feel differently about you. They have their own opinion and that is ok. Remind yourself that you have opinions about people that are not flattering as well so it is a natural part of life. If I find myself bothered by the opinions of others I generally take a minute to journal about it and my rule is once I close the journal the issue is over. The other big call to action here is to stop asking people what others have said about you and to stop people who try to gossip with you about what others are saying about you. Taking those simple steps will free you from a lot of stress, anger and bitterness.
Resilience Over Resistance
A few years ago I received the book The War of Art. The author Steven Pressfield, was discussing what steps are necessary to get through the blocks that keep us from our creative side. My friend Ken Williams sent me this book to inspire me to sit down and get started on writing my own book. It was an outstanding read right from the start and the further I got into it I realized this book was just as applicable to life and leadership. A significant theme of the book is about overcoming resistance and identifying all of the resistance that we create in our own lives.
I wish I would have found this book in 2002 when it was first published, it made so much sense to me and had me reflecting on all of the resistance in my life. Pressfield, talks often about being resilient to the resistance and that is a trait that leaders and people so deeply need to address in their personal and professional lives. As I was reading the book I started to make a list of all of the ways I created my own resistance in life.
Excuses/rationalizing
The judgement of others
Fear of Failure
Procrastinating
Discomfort
Self Doubt/imposter syndrome
All of these things were mentioned in some form or another in the book and I could think of several specific examples in my own life. I made excuses for not working out or for eating unhealthy foods. I was overly concerned with what people would think about the decisions I was making as a leader and if they were the right decisions or not. Fear of not being successful was a serious concern, because I hated feeling and looking like a loser. This was really an indicator that I wasn’t seeing failure as feedback as I have discussed earlier in this book. There was the bad habit of putting off the things I wasn’t good at until the last minute, possibly because they weren’t easy for me, and that had become a real problem as a new school administrator. I struggled with imposter syndrome terribly, because I really didn’t feel like I deserved or had the ability to run an entire school building. This was ridiculous. I had done all of the academic work and had almost 20 years of experience in schools. All of these things were resistance and I was seriously lacking in an effort to overcome it. I had the ability to be resilient. I just had to recognize my issues and take the appropriate action.
Call To Action
We all experience resistance in our lives from time to time even the most positive and confident people in the world will wrestle with self doubt it is a natural part of being human. My challenge for you is to quietly sit down and take stock of what resistance exists in your life and then take action. You will probably find that you are experiencing more resistance than you think. Don't be overwhelmed, just start with one thing and slowly build the resilience you need to be the best leader and person you can be.
The Legacy Of A Leader
As leaders, we often wonder if what we do is impactful enough. There will be days where we struggle, tough days that can seem like we’re in an uphill battle in a losing fight. We may even start to consider if the job is worth it and even consider if we want to keep going even when we face all kinds of resistance. In my daily morning reflection and journaling I began to consider legacy when I realized that my father would have been 90 years old in a few days if he was still alive.
I was seven years old when my father passed away and he has been gone for almost 46 years. My dad was my hero and my best buddy. My brother and sister named their children after him and our family friends will still talk about him to this day. I now attend the church that I grew up in and on any given Sunday his name will come up in our Sunday school class. His legacy lives on through all of us, his character, his integrity, his values, the relationships he built and the way he made people feel. This made me really take stock in how many lives he is still having an effect on because of how he conducted himself as he navigated his time on Earth so many years ago.
As we navigate life we need to remember that on the days when we struggle, on days when we feel like we’re losing ground, on days when we feel like we’re not making an impact there is a bigger message at work. The things that we do and the impact we make will last far beyond our time on Earth. We may not always see the difference we make in this world but it will be felt for generations to come. Our leadership will leave a lasting legacy that we can be proud of.
Learn From The Mistakes Others Make
Eleanor Roosevelt gives us all some great advice with her quote “learn from the mistakes of others, you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.” In nearly every job in the world someone has come before us and they have a variety of experiences that we can most certainly learn from. Leading ourselves and others is hard enough on its own, so why wouldn’t I take advantage of the work of others and learn from their miscues? We live in a world where we have access to an unprecedented amount of resources through the internet, podcasts, social media, and in person. We can connect with people all over the world and solicit advice and examples of things that they have learned through their failed attempts.
As a young leader I struggled with reaching out to other leaders to ask for advice or help. I was self conscious and didn’t want people to know when I was over my head. I was also afraid that if word got out that I was asking for advice or direction that people wouldn’t take me seriously. But more than that I didn’t want to become a headline like the leaders I heard people make fun of for making a poor decision or committing an egregious mistake. How was I going to be different from those poor souls?
I was going to pay attention to the leaders around me and ask them questions about how they would do things differently if they had a chance to do it all over again. When I saw people take missteps I made note of it and I even categorized it in a notebook where I wrote about it so I had a living resource I could reference when I needed to do so. Life is too short and being a leader is too important not to learn from the mistakes of others.
Conversations That Build Relationships
In 2011 I was hired to be a social studies educator and coach in Higginsville, MO. The man who hired me would become a mentor for me. His name was Gary Wheeler and he was the middle school principal at the time. Gary was great at getting to know you and he did it by visiting your room before school or during your plan period and he would visit with you about your family and the things you like to do. I can tell you this made me feel at home at a time in my career when I desperately needed it. These conversations not only made me feel like Gary wanted to get to know me but they made me feel like I had a person in my corner and I could come to him if I needed anything.
Shortly after the school year started my Mother died from complications related to lung cancer. Gary knew how close I was to my Mother and that she was my hero. He knew because of these conversations just how hard this was going to be for me. I looked up during my Mother’s visitation and there was my principal Gary Wheeler who drove over 3 hours to another state just to show his support and pat me on the back. I never forgot that moment. When I took over for him a few years later I realized through his example that it was just as important to talk to people about things that weren’t work related at work as it was to talk about work. Those conversations built a trust and a bond that fueled my love for where I was working and the person that was leading me. I also learned that showing up for people outside of work was more impactful that I would have ever imagined.
As a leader it’s important that you visit with your staff at work. Intentionally plan to make time for small talk about their hobbies, favorite music, kids, parents or favorite restaurants. When your staff knows you care they will do anything for you even the hard stuff that nobody wants to do. I’m telling you conversations matter and will help build a culture of trust and support that will take you farther as a team than any program or idea. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Two Notes A Day
If you want a way to build relationships with your staff that costs you next to nothing and takes less than five minutes a day then I have the strategy for you. It is guaranteed to move the culture in your building and gain some serious equity in your organization. I love Jimmy Casas and I have mentioned him before. When I was first hired as a building principal I had the opportunity to attend a conference he was keynoting at and heard him speak for the first time. I hadn’t even had a day on the job as a principal, but I knew that culture was going to be a key element in our building’s success. Jimmy mentioned in his keynote that he wrote two notes a day to the staff that were positive and supportive. I immediately knew that I was going to use this idea as soon as I assumed the role in my new position.
I was astounded at how quickly this took off in every building I was a leader in. I wrote these notes on bright colorful notecards and I dated and signed each one. I always found something positive to write about. It could be something they did in the classroom and sometimes I found things that weren’t even school related. It could be as simple as welcoming them back from an illness and telling them how much we missed them. Sometimes I would do it when I knew they were struggling and it would give them a boost or motivation to keep moving forward. I kept a spreadsheet for each quarter to make sure I didn’t miss anyone so everyone got at least one note a quarter. One of the coolest things this created was a culture where teachers did it for students and staff and even for me. I would walk into classrooms and teachers would have my notes taped to their desks or pinned to a bulletin board. People just want to be recognized and appreciated and that doesn’t cost a thing. People will appreciate the time you took to handwrite a note acknowledging their effort. The reason this is so effective is because people don’t do it enough today and it truly is special. Take advantage of that and start right now!
Addition By Way Of Subtraction
We live in a fast paced world where new techniques and tools are being created so quickly that they are oftentimes obsolete in a matter of months. We are constantly being asked to start and add new initiatives and programs to what we already do, not to mention learning how to use all of the new technology at our disposal. One of the biggest criticisms or complaints I have heard from staff members over the years is that we keep adding new things to a growing list of duties that seem already impossible to complete. This creates an immense amount of frustration, anxiety and even anger among staff members who are so overwhelmed and over stimulated by all of the mandates and choices that are put before them each day.
I know from speaking with my staff over the years that they see the value in growth and adapting to new ideas and programs, however there is something that we rarely do when we add new things to their plates. The thing we rarely do is take any programs away. We are always adding something new and never subtracting things that are no longer needed or effective. Something that we must make a conscious effort to do as leaders is to constantly audit the programs, procedures and tools we are using. This allows us to be the most efficient and effective organization possible.
Subtraction can add so much to your life and the culture of an organization. When we free ourselves from the unnecessary things in life we are going to have more time for what is truly important. This stands true not just in your job, but in your personal life as well. It is critical to eliminate all of the extra things we don’t need. You as well as your staff will remove unneeded anxiety, stress and pressure to complete tasks that don’t matter or are outdated. Don’t be afraid to add what works but in doing so subtract what you can to improve your organization and your life.
Without Purpose There Is No Hope
For several years the trend has been to focus on our why. This particularly rings true in the world of education. I know as a school principal I had professional development seminars and activities focused around staff solidifying their why and writing it down and posting it in a prominent location in their classrooms or offices. I’ve noticed recently that people have started to become irritated with the mere mention of our why. So, I began to ask the question: why are people so irritated with the discussion of this topic? To answer this I think we need to look at why we deemed this topic so important for us to cover in the first place?
Delving into the why of a staff member was something I wanted to know as a leader in order to serve our staff in the best way possible. To be more clear, our why is really our purpose. Recently I was in a small group and we were discussing things like regret and how regret can steal our purpose. At that time someone spoke up and said that “without hope we have no purpose.” This gave me pause, and I thought: have people lost hope? If people have lost hope, did it cause our relationship with our purpose to be damaged, therefore making it difficult to talk about? I also think as leaders we got so wrapped up in people knowing their why (purpose) that we didn’t follow through with making it matter and using it to assist our staff.
I started to realize that I never clearly defined the importance of talking about our purpose. Our staff knew their purpose, however that purpose had been damaged by the circumstances before them. COVID took a toll on their purpose, the tremendous demands put on our staff to be and do all things, people blaming them for things beyond their control and the struggles of their own lives beat up their purpose. As a leader I know I didn’t use the information I received to help our staff because I was also distracted by the things mentioned above. It’s also important to note that I wasn't clear enough with staff about why it was important to revisit that purpose. It wasn’t because I doubted them or thought they had lost their way, it was ultimately because I wanted to better serve our staff. I know as a leader I wanted them to know that things would get better. I didn’t clearly realize that I was trying to express hope for the future that we were going to come through these trials and tribulations. I believed in them and had hope because of their purpose. If I just would’ve come right out and said that it would have made our relationships with our purpose a bit better in the face of tough times.
Sometimes as people and as leaders we can stray from our purpose because we become distracted by all of the other noise around us. The outcome of the battles we fight each day can pile up especially when we aren’t always successful. We don't do it intentionally but it happens and it becomes harder and harder to maintain hope in the face of these distractions. As leaders now more than ever it’s important that we give and help people hold onto their own hope by making sure we support their purpose and reassure them that we are here for them. Be that servant leader that is fully committed to serving your staff. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Support Over Change
As a leader, I started to reflect on all of the times that I had an opportunity to make an impact on people who needed to improve in their position. I specifically thought about how I approached those situations with people when they had things that they needed to work on. As a young leader I made plenty of mistakes and one of the biggest mistakes that I made in that process was my approach to helping those I was in charge of leading.. When I was focused on changing those people I was truly missing the mark when it came to what my job really was as a leader.
You see when we tell people they need to change the narrative becomes about their deficiencies however, if we talk about providing support it can become an entirely different experience. The narrative then becomes I see your potential and I want to be a partner with you in being the best you can be in all that you do. We should never be afraid of change, unfortunately we live in a world where people can be paralyzed by the very thought of making even the smallest change. So, why not reframe how we look at things instead of changing people, why not provide people with the opportunities, support and tools to improve. I would much rather be approached that way than immediately being told “Hey, you need to change.” Some people may feel that you need to be more direct or blunt when you want to see people do things differently, but I don’t think it necessarily has to be that way; it's not about avoiding an issue. It’s not about tip-toeing around the issue. It’s just about providing people with an opportunity and the appropriate mindset.
Something I’m a big believer in is positive self talk and how much of what we say to each other really matters. If I talk to people from a positive place I’m going to get much further with that person than I would’ve if I focused on them needing to make a change. I’ve said this before in other podcasts, blogs and daily messages that what you say and how you say, it matters just as much if not more than the message you are trying to send. This approach also helps us focus more on the standards of our organization and on our expectations rather than on the deficiencies of those we are leading. Ultimately at the end of the day like my good friend Ken Williams says “the standard is the standard” and that’s where we all need to be. This makes it more about the organization and less about the person. My call to action this week is for you not to be a change agent but to be an agent for support. Have a great week and remember that when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Being Conscientious
Every six months I try to take some time and focus on what my core beliefs are regarding leadership. Yesterday I was taking time to do this, looking over old journals and notes of things that had influenced me, and helped me gain clarity. I was thinking about how important relationships are when you’re a leader. One thing that I’m a big believer in is making sure that you’re continually growing and a great way to do that is through reading. I’m currently reading a book called Be Exceptional by Joe Navarro. Joe was talking about the things that he believed were the most important parts and pieces to being a great leader and one of the things that he mentioned was the importance of being conscientious
In reading what Joe was talking about, I started to think about all the things that I do as a leader for others that would be considered conscientious, and then it dawned on me. We make leadership much harder than it needs to be. Sometimes instead of thinking about all the things that we should do as a leader when it comes to relationships we should simply focus on being conscientious. When we take time to be actively and genuinely conscientious, our relationships with others will naturally grow and improve. In being conscientious, we are giving people the respect, empathy and attention that they deserve and oftentimes crave. Being conscientious doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be difficult. It just has to be doing what’s right.
I’ve always felt like one of my most important philosophies when it came to leadership was keeping it simple. It doesn’t matter what I’m trying to do, the more simple you make things the easier it is to follow and the more likely you are to have success. We all can become overwhelmed by leadership especially when we think about all the different things that we do as leaders, particularly when it comes to our work with others; however, if we live by some basic guidelines like being conscientious leadership doesn’t have to be overwhelming. It just becomes a matter of doing what's right for others.
My call to action for you is to consciously focus on being a more conscientious leader this week and in the weeks to follow. I’m willing to guarantee if you make being conscientious your focus not only will leadership become easier, but it will also be more satisfying and make those around you more likely to work harder to achieve the goals you have for your school or organization. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
My Attitude My Effort
We spend a lot of time focused on what we can’t control. The number of things that are beyond our reach can be insurmountable to think about. Each day we are confronted with so many things we can’t control the attitude of others, the weather, people showing up late to work and the internet being down. These obstacles and bumps in the road feed into our feelings and can even derail or significantly alter the effort we put into our day. Why is it that we allow these things to take up space in our minds and distract us from our mission?
I used to think it was a lack of mental toughness on my part or a desire to always be in control that made all the variables outside of my own reach an obsession. This would make my life miserable depending on how much I was facing on any given day. It could get so bad that the mere thought of things not going my way would put me in a tailspin before I could even really get my day started. It took a lot of reflection to realize that a lot of the time I was obsessed with the uncontrolables in my life was because I wanted to do a good job and I cared deeply for the people around me. The success of those I was working for and with meant something to me. I wanted people to be proud of where they worked, who they worked with and what they did.
When I had the opportunity to lead a school building for the first time I went back to my earliest days as a coach and remembered something I always told my athletes. “There are only two things you can control in this world: your attitude and your effort.” I realized that I wasn’t following this advice. My happiness and effort shouldn’t be determined by the things I couldn’t control. When we focus on the things we can’t control we spend our time chasing something we can never catch. My attitude can bring a positive light to people but worrying about their attitude can’t improve the situation I’m in. My effort works in much the same way. When I lose focus of my effort and start to do the jobs of others my work suffers and suddenly it's not enough.
You will hear me a lot about keeping things simple. We make life way too complicated when all we have to do is slow down and focus on the basics. If we start with having a positive attitude, not only will it lift us up but it will naturally lift up the other people around us. Effort works in the same fashion. When people can see that I work hard it makes it more difficult for them not to put forth a better effort. By raising the bar and focusing on what I can control, those other things beyond my control will stand to improve because I’ve kept the focus on leading myself and others in a more positive way.
Where Does Leadership Begin?
For most of my life I have been a leader. I’ve led student organizations, teams, classrooms, buildings and people in private industry, but it wasn’t until later in life that I really considered where leadership begins. Most of us think we become a leader as soon as we are in charge of a group of people but it starts much earlier than that and we don’t even know it is happening. As soon as we are able to start making the most basic decisions in our lives we are starting our journey in leadership. We don’t realize that we are collecting valuable information on making good and bad decisions and collecting a database of what works and what doesn’t. We are also very aware of the people around us who are trying to lead us down the appropriate path in life and those that aren’t. The data we collect is very simple and can be categorized into a chart as simple as what we like and don’t like.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid 40’s that I realized I had failed to take charge as my own leader. I had been leading others for over 20 years at that point, but had neglected to lead myself. I started to reflect on how I got to a point in my life where I was struggling with my physical and mental health weighing in at over 600 pounds uncomfortable in my own skin and ashamed of myself. I took an honest inventory of how I was leading others and had to consider the difficult reality that by putting them first I really wasn’t giving them my best. I was neglecting myself to the point that I wasn’t able to function at a level the deserved from their leader. We are all born to lead in some capacity. There are people that may not like to do it, others may not realize they are doing it, and some people just need to have their eyes opened up to the potential they have to change their lives and the lives of those around them.