Three Types of Regret
Regret is a simple six letter word defined by google as: a negative emotional state of wishing you had made a different choice in the past that can lead to feelings of disappointment and self-blame. After reading that definition I consider regret a four letter word. Regret doesn’t serve us or those around us. Regret is the byproduct of bad decisions, inaction or wasted time. This week I really took some time after listening to John Perry’s podcast Never Stop Getting Better to think about regret and how to classify it in my experiences as a leader for myself and others.
I believe there are three types of regret:
Regret in the choices we make
Regret in not taking action
Regret in the time we waste
Choices
The type of regret we are probably most familiar with on a daily basis is regretting the choices we make that were bad decisions that had a negative outcome in our lives or the lives of those we lead on a daily basis whether it is our family, friends or people we work with. These kinds of choices can be eliminated or at the very least limited in our lives by slowing down and thinking through our decisions instead of making snap decisions and judgements. We often move faster than we need to and create a situation where we just don’t analyze what is in front of us. There are even times where we act out of our own convenience because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable. This strategy eventually ends up being our own undoing and it’s just not worth it in the end but we still do it from time to time. The barometer for making decisions should always come down to what is moral and fair. Using those two guides has rarely made for a decision I regret later on.
Action
For years I wanted to write a book. I talked about it and wrote down ideas but I never started. Do you know why? I was scared I was afraid to put myself out there and take the risk of being judged. I made so many excuses and had so many reasons/justifications for not starting that they had their own zip code. It was ridiculous. I remember a D-1 coach coming to do a summer camp for me one time and he asked a kid, “what do you want to have at the end of the season?” The kid looked him in the eye and said “I want to be a state medalist” The coach without missing a beat said “when are you going to start?" The kid had his own excuses for why he hadn’t done the work and the coach didn’t let him off the hook he told him “the only thing you’re going to get if you don’t put in the work is REGRET.” We have got to take action. Nothing is going to look perfect, we aren’t going to know everything we need to know, so get started. Movement is better than sitting around watching the paint dry. Just take the leap it's better than saying to yourself “I wish I would’ve.” Why live with that phrase when you don’t have to?
Waste
The last kind of regret is wasting time. This type of regret is the most silent and deadly form of regret there is. With the invention of technology dating back before the industrial revolution we have been making life easier and with that people now have more time on their hands. This isn’t a bad thing but we don’t use that time like we should. How many of you pick up your cell phone and look at how much screen time you are putting in each day. I would bet most of you even get the notification that sends you how much time you average on your cell phone each day that week. This needs to be a wake up call for all of us to get more engaged in our own lives and the world around us. Just ask yourself this one simple question at the end of your lifetime: Do you want to be taking your last breath and wish you would have spent more time living life or scrolling through it?
None of us are perfect. We will have regret in life, but when you look at the decisions you make, the actions you take and the time you waste, is it worth the feeling of regret? Do you want to feel that sorrow, do you want to know life could have been so much more, do you want to have the REGRETS of a life that didn’t serve you to the fullest? I hope this week’s blog was one you could identify with and take something from that will improve your life. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Establishing High Standards
I post a leadership tip of the day to my social media pages 6 days a week and they’re inspired by the conversations I have with other leaders, books I’m reading or conversations with my clients. Last week I was meeting with a potential client who was really struggling with setting the standards and goals for his staff. He knew where he wanted to go, but he was afraid of how it would be received by his staff and if it would create a backlash that he might not be able to overcome. As a leader we should always be thinking about how to work with others and get the best out of them by providing the support they need to reach the standard that has been established. That is good leadership, however the train tends to go off the rails when we compromise what is best for what is comfortable.
Most people live in a state of comfort and doing hard things isn’t their idea of a good time. As a leader if you are choosing comfort over high standards then you are choosing to limit your opportunity for success. The leader I was talking with knew that they needed to raise their standards if they wanted to have any chance of meeting their goals for the next year. He even went as far as to say “if we don’t have high standards and goals that challenge us we won’t even come close to meeting the requirements of the minimum standard” He went on to say “our board doesn’t want mediocre and neither do I, we want excellence” Those statements told me two things. The first was that he knew that he needed to raise the bar for his staff; he had to put forward a bold vision even if it was scary for people to hear. The second was that he was already in trouble because he was considering compromising what he knew to be right because it was going to be hard for the staff to accept.
So what is his course of action? He has three basic options to choose from. The first is he can go ahead and compromise what he knows to be the right thing in order to make the staff happy and eventually resent his staff. The second choice is to do absolutely nothing and wish and want for some magical miracle to happen and be disappointed in yourself for not having the character to do the hard things that need to be done.. The third choice is to make the necessary changes and provide the support and encouragement that the people need to get the job done. It’s obvious that the final option is the best option but there is one key element that will determine its success. The culture of your building specifically if you have created a team of people that have trust in you and each other based on a solid foundation of integrity, transparency and collaboration.
One final thing to keep in mind is things won’t change overnight even if you have a committed staff. It will take a lot of hard work and commitment to have a culture where the standards are high and being met on a daily basis. The part of this puzzle that will separate you from all the others is not giving up. High Standards scare people and goals that are difficult to achieve bring out doubters and nay sayers. It’s important for you not to give up or give in. People will want to give up even some of your best team members. It's human nature. Your job is to encourage them and work to provide them with what they need. Listen to them, validate their feelings but don’t make excuses because the standard is still the standard regardless of the situation.
Call To Action
This week take some time to sit down with yourself and think about the standards you want your organization, business or team to have. Once you have done that, ask yourself do we have the culture that will embrace working on meeting the high standards needed to be excellent? If your answer is no then you need to start working on integrity, transparency, trust and collaboration. If your answer is yes then you can get to work on rolling out those high standards. One final bit of advice when you take over a leadership role that’s the time to establish and implement high standards. Don’t ease your way into it. I’ve made that mistake and it’s a painful and difficult lesson you don’t want to make if you can avoid it. Have a great week and remember to light the WICK of leadership by bringing the energy to ignite your staff everyday.
Chain Of Communication Not The Chain Of Command
When I was a young person the phrase “chain of command” was something that would make me so frustrated and more often than not angry every time I heard it. I believed it was just a polite way of giving me the run around and putting as many people between what I felt the problem was and a real solution. I wasn’t sure exactly why but I suspected that it was because they didn’t care enough about what some kid had to say to do anything about it. The older I got the more I was told that it was a way to be more efficient and solve the problem closer to where it originated from for a better, more informed solution. It was a system of leadership with a variety of different ranks and positions. With maturity this made sense to me and I learned to accept it until…….
When I got out of college I had to take on some real leadership responsibilities in my first professional job. Prior to becoming a leader I relied on others to make the changes I felt necessary, now I was in a position to make changes, fix problems and act on the ideas of other people. But it was made clear to me by my supervisors that the chain of command was to keep things off of their plates that were “below their pay grade.” This took me back to what I had mentioned previously and it disappointed me. I realized that if I wanted to see a change in the chain of command then it was up to me to do it from the inside out.
I started to ask questions and really think about what I wanted the chain of command to look like for all of the different groups I was leading. The first thing I needed to do was to define what the chain of command was? Merriam Webster states that it’s “a series of executive positions in order of authority.” This makes sense and it definitely jibes with what I had been told a chain of command was supposed to do, but I still didn’t like it. Over the next couple of years I continued to ask myself what is the chain of command? It eventually came to me one day when I was listening to a problem that one of our staff members was having with a colleague. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why this problem was in front of me and why I was hearing about it for the first time from this staff member. This problem should have been reported to me by another supervisor first. This was especially frustrating given that the problem had been going on for months and the solution seemed so simple.
The chain of command in its most basic form is a communication tool. One person communicating with another about an idea, concern or set of problems that need attention. Once I realized this I asked myself what is the most important lesson about communication that I have ever learned? Communication has to be clear, concise and consistent. In my opinion these are the pillars that are central to having successful communication in a team or organization. A great example of how poor communication would occur with no real chain of command would be the following.
There is a race across the state you live in and you are going to compete. There are several teams in the race but each team must have five people, travel on foot, carry their own supplies and only use a compass to guide them from the start line to the finish line. If the communication in this group isn’t clear,if the decision making process lacks decisiveness and if you lack any real leaders in the group it could be nearly impossible to gain a consensus to even move a short distance let alone the entire distance across the state through the wilderness. Your group could have clear communication and have a great leadership structure developed but if you are not decisive or concise in your decision making it will most likely not reach its potential. You have to have all three of those pillars in order to have a chance to win the race. The day to day operations of your organization are no different.
Remember that young kid (me) I mentioned in the beginning who didn’t like the chain of command and thought it was an excuse. I wish somebody could’ve explained the chain of command to me from a communication perspective rather than the perspective of a hierarchical leadership structure. Think about how my experiences would have been different if they said we want to help you and we want to make sure we work together to share the message and concerns in a way that people understand them so we can work with our entire team to come up with a solution? That sounds a lot better than what is your problem? I will see what I can do? Or I will take it to my boss for consideration and get back to you? The first version seems like I’m being listened to and people really are taking action because we are actually communicating. The second version just sounds like excuses.
As leaders we need to make sure that we frame the chain of command as a tool for problem solving but we must remain aware that there are people that see it as nothing more than a way to give them the “run around.” For those people we have to take the extra time to show them that the chain of command is a communication tool that’s made to provide them with the best opportunity to be heard. In order to do this as leaders we need to be certain to act with integrity, be kind and to remain committed to serving the people involved in our organizations. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Are You Wishing For A Big Break?
Hitting the lottery, finding that one great revolutionary idea that will help me strike it rich, that long lost relative that leaves me a surprise inheritance that will change my life. Tell me you haven’t dreamt of these things before and I will question your honesty. This idea of catching that one big break the easy way is as much a part of the American dream as anything. It can be fun and exciting to think about what would happen if we struck it rich or found instant success. People are always in search of that one great idea, that one great opportunity that’s so special that’s so unique that it will change their life. I can't say that I blame them really. I mean it’s a great distraction and it can provide us with a bit of hope. The fact that we could become rich in a moment's notice is why people bet on sports, that's why people go to casinos and buy lottery tickets. The idea of putting in minimal effort and getting everything we want seems pretty appealing.
I know personally I think about these things because I’ve taken my turn at slot machines, purchased more than my fair share of lottery tickets and bet on a Super Bowl or two, however at the end of the day, the things that are going to change my life are not the things that come easily, and they’re not the things that happen overnight. One indicator of this is when you hear stories about people who get a large lottery payout for millions of dollars only to go bankrupt a few years later. They may have won big but didn’t put in the work, sacrifice and dedication to get there that will create a foundation of positive behaviors and choices. I may win a couple of hundred dollars in a slot machine but do I put it away and invest it? I sure don’t because I didn’t sacrifice to get it. The money came too easily so it was easy for me to gamble it away again or spend it on things I don’t need. The get rich quick moment just won’t take us to the next level. Obviously the odds are against that happening but the things that will truly enrich our lives are the basic everyday things we do over and over and over again. They are the boring things that people don’t like to do and so often overlook or take for granted because they’re searching for the easy way to get what they want.
The people that will achieve the most success don’t get bored with the small everyday tasks that aren’t glamorous or fun; they keep doing them regardless of how they feel. The difference between the people who get it and the people that don’t most generally is what you are willing to do to get it, are you willing to sacrifice? Are you willing to be committed? Are you willing to learn from those that come before you because if you are, if you’re willing to do all those things you have the opportunity to get where you want to go?
I used to sit around and say things like “if only this could happen, if only that could happen, if this one thing just broke this direction everything would change for me and it would completely make my life better.” The problem with that is those things just don’t happen. We waste time wishing instead of working. I’ve got to focus on what I can do. What do I already have? What are the things that I possess that will allow me to get better to improve my situation? The odds are against me if I’m trying to come up with that one great idea or one big score. The odds are in my favor if I do the simple things every day there’s no denying it.
So stop looking and wishing for the quick fix and get fascinated with the simple things, the mundane, the everyday things, the sacrifices, the struggles, the suffering; those are the things that will take you to where you want to go now. Is it true that our neighbor may strike it rich? Is it true that somebody we know might hit the lottery? Is it true that somebody might hit a $1 million bet that we hear about of course it is but those things are so incredibly rare in life. How about we stop wasting our time wishing on one thing and throw our energy into what works. This doesn’t mean we stop dreaming, it just means we need to find a better way to take action in order to achieve our dreams. Have a great week and don’t forget when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Hoops, Circles, Rings and Wheels
Leadership is always on my mind and I’m constantly on the lookout for examples of it regardless of where I am or what time of day it is. Today I saw a video of my youngest granddaughter trying to master the hula hoop and I immediately had a thought come to me.. Something I’ve mentioned in some of my previous writings is that we make Leadership more complicated than it has to be. We get distracted, deterred or disappointed and we forget that as long as we focus on the simple things that we will be able to lead at an exceptional level. I know plenty of people would disagree with my philosophy of leadership being simple but look no further than things like hoops, circles, rings and wheels.. My little granddaughter and her hula hoop really brought this to my attention. She was smiling, laughing and trying her heart out to make one of the cheapest and most simple toys in the world work.
We hear references and see symbolism that shows us just how important something as simple as a circle can be on a daily basis.. Think of colloquialisms like “circle the wagons,” “the circle of trust” or “a full circle moment” that have found their ways into movies and have become quotes that we can all recognize. Those three quotes are references to defending your people, loyalty, togetherness and a sense of strength. Take a look at the wedding ring. It's a symbol of our love and devotion to our partners in life. The Olympic rings are also symbols of togetherness, hope and peace. The wheel, how significant was it in the history of the world? One of the most important and dependable inventions of all time. Not only did the wheel keep us moving but it made moving much easier and allowed us more time to be more productive in our jobs and in our personal lives.
A circle is roughly defined as a shape that consists of all the points in a plane that are equal distance from the central point. When I hear this definition I don’t think of the mathematics behind the shape itself, but I go back to some of my favorite memories as a head wrestling coach. When we would start and end our practices and meets we would circle up and talk about what was going to or had happened that day. This was a time where we got to look each other in the eyes and offer encouragement, accountability and support. We knew we were in it together for better or worse. We were all equal distance from what we wanted to achieve and our job was to move together and maintain a unified distance so we could get closer and closer to achieving our goals and dreams as one cohesive unit.
The problem we would often run into was some people did not keep their eye on the prize or do their part and the circle would start to look more like a flat tire and get harder and harder to turn over. This wouldn’t necessarily be something that happened on purpose or even intentionally. We simply had times where we stopped doing the simple things. We might get bored, complacent or we may even feel like we could skip the small simple things because we had become too advanced. In other words we were over confident and took the simple things for granted. When this happens what do we do? Just like any situation, how we choose to react will make the biggest impact. This will ultimately decide if we will improve our situation or if we will keep trying to drive on that flat tire that I mentioned earlier.
Leadership was no different for me than it was for most of you. We do the best we can and in the beginning we are going to make a lot of mistakes. It took some experiences where I broke the circle of trust, failed to circle the wagons or drove for too long on a flat tire before I would learn how to react appropriately. I would grasp for straws and try to find some new and innovative idea or program to lead me back to where I wanted to be. I would also even try to ignore the problem and hope it went away, but neither of those strategies ever worked too well for me. After I learned to reflect and evaluate my situation I discovered that the best reaction that led to the best outcome was when I kept it simple. When I stuck with the fundamentals, maintained consistency and used best practices things would stabilize for me. It didn’t matter if it was in my professional or personal life it came back to the simple everyday things that made the greatest impact.
Taking a more simplified approach didn’t mean I stopped taking risks or trying to look at things outside of the box. What it did mean was that I needed to be selective and use the best data and strategies I could when I tried something new or was working to solve a problem. When I started to take a more simplified approach consistently using the skills and strategies that were proven to work, being a leader became much more enjoyable and exciting for me. I stopped worrying about things going wrong because I was more confident in the fact that I wasn’t trying to overcomplicate the tasks at hand. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
The “What If?” Question
What if? It’s one of the most productive and destructive questions in the world. Now in my 50s, I wish I would have taken the time to ask my parents and grandparents what they thought of the question of what if? I had a football coach that used to use the old adage “if, ifs and butts were candy and nuts it would be Christmas year round.” I just got used to thinking about what if as a negative in terms of an excuse or a negative way to view what had happened to me. It wasn’t until much later that I started to look at the question of what if in an entirely different light.
The destructive what if, is a deadly trap that can lead to despair, heartache and an endless bag of excuses that will turn you into nothing more than a victim. Once you reach into the bag of what if victimhood it’s hard to find your way out and unfortunately some people never do? This is the what if that focuses on the past and the things that happen to us that are beyond our control. When we engage in this side of what if we are infecting ourselves with a plague that can spread like wildfire.
I talk about the death of my father often and how it has shaped my life. My mother through her love, wisdom and leadership didn’t ever engage in the what if, at least not in my presence. She had already experienced hardship in her life and had been a single mother before she met my father. She knew there was a way through the tough times and that things would work out. The key was facing forward and then moving in that direction. The fires my mother had walked through always seemed to prepare her for the next challenge. Her example was something I just followed. There was never a word mentioned about avoiding or ignoring the what if question. It was something we just didn’t engage in. I never even considered a scenario of what if my father hadn’t passed when I was 7 years old? It wasn’t going to help anything and it wasn’t a part of our reality.
I briefly thought about this question last week when I was thinking about my own legacy and quickly shut it down. As soon as I asked the question I realized my life wouldn’t be the same without the tragedy that had occurred in it. Simply put I couldn’t imagine how things could have been better. The things that happen to us shape us and build us for our purpose so we can have a greater impact and a better tomorrow. So, how do we go from the destruction in the question of what if to the productive and positive question of what if? If you haven’t already connected the dots the question of what if being destructive or productive is time based. When we are facing a decision or a problem that needs solving we are in the moment or looking to the future. This is when what if becomes a tool. What if helps us create scenarios and pathways to foster discussion and debate that will lead us towards a better way.
Some of my favorite discussions, debates and collaborations have been born from that simple question of what if? What if is one of the most inspiring questions in the world. It can redefine what is possible and bring a sense of wonderment, joy, purpose and power into our daily lives. When we are able to ask the question of what if in a room of people who are trying to solve a problem or find a better way we open up a new avenue to hope. There is an opportunity for us to use our collective strengths to rise to a new level. There is no danger in the experiment of what if we try this? What if we try that? What if we add here and subtract there? We aren’t living in the past in this scenario, we are looking to the future.
So, what if? Is it good, bad, or both? It’s both because what if is really two separate questions. It is one phrase with two words and two meanings. Your choice is, do you wish to be committed to looking forward or doomed to looking in the past at what you cannot change? Have a great week and don’t forget when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Manifesting, Is It Real?
Is the idea that you can manifest things to happen for you a real thing? I hear people argue that it is real and they absolutely swear that manifesting does happen. I also hear people who disagree completely and find it preposterous that you can make something happen that you want to see happen. They believe it is all about your actions and in their mind there is no other explanation. I’m always surprised that this is a debate. If you go to google it will tell you that manifesting is “The practice of using focused thoughts, visualization and affirmations to bring goals into reality. Rooted in the belief that a positive mindset influences outcomes, it combines psychological priming with intentional action.” When I evaluate the definition it sounds to me that if you live with intentional positivity in your actions, thoughts and self talk more positive things will happen for you. If you combine those things with putting in the work how can you ever go wrong?
I look no further than my own life to realize that when I focus on intentional positivity in my relationships with other people, my goals and even myself that things are more likely to work out for me than not. When I have accomplished big things or small things that required effort they were only fully achieved because I was intentionally and positively determined to make them happen. When I have failed or fallen short of my goals I can with almost 100% certainty identify the role negative thoughts and feelings played in the outcome. Take some time right now and look back on some of your accomplishments both big and small and evaluate your attitude, feelings and effort that went into making them happen for you. Then take a few minutes to look at the things you have failed to accomplish and do the same thing.
Why is it that people continue to debate the idea of manifesting being a legitimate or real part of success? Is it that we have been so accustomed to the idea that hard work is the be all, end all in becoming a success? When it comes to success I think manifesting and a high level of effort and commitment are like the old story of the chicken and the egg. You can’t have one without the other. So back to my original question: is manifesting real? I say it is real and if you're hung up on the word then change it instead of manifesting say you are going to be positive. This last week I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger talking about his time as the Governor of California. He mentioned that he worked to bring both sides of an argument together by simply changing one word in an issue that divided both parties and it created common ground between the two sides. I would wager that most people who believe in manifesting and those who don’t really aren’t that far apart. It’s more in the words that are used than it is in the practice of how to obtain success.
Success isn’t mutually exclusive to one strategy; it takes an entire tool box of skills and a truck load of ideas to get you to where you want to go. Don’t limit yourself based on a word without evaluating what it means, because you may already be halfway there. Have a great week and don’t forget when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Serving On A Team, What A Privilege
The older I get the more reflective I have become about the things I have enjoyed the most in my life and why they stick out as such special memories. One of the things I have been reflecting on a lot this week has been how special it is to be a part of a team that is trying to achieve their goals through a common mission and vision. There is nothing like the feeling you get when you work with a team that is firing on all cylinders and are truly invested in the process.
I’ve been on all kinds of teams in my life starting at an early age with athletic teams and moving into city and church boards, to district leadership teams as well as being a part of leadership in professional organizations. Each of these experiences have been special, and a question I often get asked is what do you like more, being the leader of a team or being a member of a team? This question has always confused me because as far as I was concerned every member of a team has leadership responsibilities and a team is the sum of its collective parts. The leader is a member of the team and the members of the team are leaders.
The pure joy, pride and excitement that comes from being on a really great team is rooted in some common concepts. Teams must be collaborative, honest, consistent, committed and have an unwavering trust in one another. The bonds that are formed from the work you do with one another create a sense of loyalty and strength of service you can’t find in any other setting. One of the things you will often hear soldiers talk about even more than love of country and patriotism is the bond and commitment they have to those that serve beside them. When they were in combat they didn’t want to let down the soldiers that were shoulder to shoulder with them. They had trained, sacrificed, broken bread, and bled together and they believed in each other and had a real sense of obligation and love for those they experienced combat with.
This week on several different occasions I’ve tried to describe what being on a team means and feels like to me. I couldn’t put how I felt into words but I could think of things that you could draw some comparisons from.
If you have ever hit a baseball and felt it jump off the sweet spot of the bat that is what it feels like
When you got your driver's license and went for your first solo drive that is what being on a team feels like
The first time you rode a roller coaster and felt how exhilarating it is, that is what being on a team feels like.
The first paycheck you get from your first job is what being on a team feels like
Coming down stairs on Christmas morning and seeing what Santa brought you is what being on a team feels like.
I could go on and on and on and on but I think you get the picture. Taking the time to get to know people and build something together is special. It is a moment in time that you will always share from the successes to the failures and not a single soul can take that from you. So you might be asking what is the point of my post this week. The point is don’t take the teams you are on for granted. Being a member of a team is an opportunity not just to achieve something great but to create a bond with people that will last a lifetime. I still talk to the kids I played my first little league game with and all the players, coaches, and teachers I have worked with over the years. My life is more full because of them and your life will be more full because of the teams you have the privilege to be a part of in your lifetime. Have a great week and don’t forget when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Core Values, Core Beliefs and Core Truths
There is one thing that seems to continue to bubble to the surface when we talk about successful companies, schools, teams or people and it is their core values. I don’t think we can deny that core values are an important part of the identity of any organization or person. We hear principals, CEOs and entrepreneurs talk about their core values time and time again but I think this is only part of what I’m starting to see as “the core.” What do I mean by “the core” ? Well, it came to me just recently when I was talking to a group in Illinois about where I grew up.
In our formative years our family, friends and the many communities we are a part of play a significant role in determining our core values. I began to look at my core values like the foundation of a home. The values you learn as a child from the people around you provide you with your compass, the very rocks you stand on when you need stability the most. This foundation allows us to go into the world with something that will allow us to look at our experiences and make the decisions that will help us get to the next level. These experiences along with the values you already have will become your core beliefs and these beliefs will become the framework of your home. You can’t have a good structure without a strong foundation and solid framing.
The storms you face can only be survived with a sense of absolute truth and faith in your determination to sacrifice in order for you to achieve your goals and dreams. This is the roof of your home. The core truth stabilizes everything and ties it all together keeping out the weather so your walls don’t rot and your foundation doesn’t collapse. The core truth is the most difficult part of “the core” concept. It requires you to be absolutely honest with yourself and it also depends on your ability to be tough enough not to compromise your values and beliefs. There is no compromise with the truth; it is the line in the sand that must not be crossed. Once you compromise the truth your roof is not protecting you it is failing. What will start out as a single drip of water through a tiny hole will become a huge gaping mess if you aren’t vigilant. So, this week I have some homework for you. Take some time to answer the questions below and really think about the home you are building.
What are the core values you learned in your formative years? Where did they come from and why are they important to you?
What are the core beliefs you have developed during the key moments in your life? What are those moments that led to those beliefs? Why are they important?
What are the core truths that keep your home safe from the things that can tear it apart? Why are those the core truths that you have landed on as your line in the sand?
I would love to know your answers to these questions. I would imagine your insights could be a source of inspiration not just for you but also for myself and the people I visit and work with on a daily basis. Feel free to reach out @jovestickel or leave a message at jovestickel.com. Have a great week and remember as always when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
How Do We Know What Hard Work Is?
How do we measure hard work? Is there a real metric to tell us that we are working hard? Is it progress and growth or is it accomplishing the goals we want to achieve? Is hard work meeting the standard or exceeding it. How about the hours we work, does that play a factor in if we are working hard or not? Is what hard work looks like determined by my boss or is it determined by me? Is how I feel about the work I do play a factor in determining if I have worked hard? If I feel good is that a sign of hard work or do I have to be miserable and suffering for hard work to exist? The last time I checked there is no real common or acceptable metric for how we determine hard work? At least not one that we all adhere to and accept.
I know over the years the things I’ve mentioned above have been what I have used to measure the success I was having as an individual, and also in the buildings I was working in. This is such a tough thing to measure because of all of the variables mentioned above. I do think that through a lot of reflection, experience and discussions with other people that I have studied or spoken with over the years I have come up with an answer to the question of what is hard work?
One of the things I’ve observed over the years is that most everybody thinks two things about themselves. The first is they want to be successful and the second is that they work hard. Those two things are often not the reality of what is happening. Those two things are deeply connected to one another. We know success doesn’t happen overnight and that we have to persevere and work to get it. The problem occurs when people’s actions don’t meet what they are saying. After years of experience in my own life both professionally and personally I know I thought I wanted to achieve a lot of things and I also know I thought I worked hard. Unfortunately when things weren’t going the way I had hoped or wanted I wasn’t completely honest with myself. I would say to my peers and family that I was working hard on this thing or that thing but the reality was I wasn’t doing, are you ready for it? The HARD WORK. You see that is where working hard really begins and ends. It is with doing the tough things, the things we don’t want to do or like to do. We avoid being uncomfortable way too often and we don’t go all out.
The truth is we rationalize, find barriers and talk too much about all of the obstacles in our way instead of really going all in and being in a relentless pursuit of what we want. We become experts in fooling ourselves way too easily. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t on purpose and we don’t do it to fool ourselves or anyone else it happens naturally. We fail to be vigilant, reflect and take action. How does this happen? It's simple: we get tired, we become distracted by the outside noise and doubt that others may have and we let our guards down.
Call To Action
In order to ensure we are working hard everyday we need to make sure we are doing the hard work. Start with writing down your goals and keep them posted. I used to write personal goals on my bathroom mirror at home. Professional goals were always on a notecard on my desk. When things started to get hard I would go back to my mantra that I refer to often,“when my commitment is greater than my feelings I get results.” Develop your own mantra that keeps you on track. Journal how you feel when you are working on your goals and be honest. Those reflections will be a personal guide post for what you need to do. If you feel uncomfortable or frustrated then you know you are on the right track. Those feelings will lead you to the next set of questions: why do I feel this way? Followed by, what can I do to address it? Making sure you are actually doing the hard work is a skill and just like any other skill you will need to practice it over and over again until you have the strength and expertise to work through it. Once you can do this you are definitely working hard and doing the HARD WORK!
A Higher Standard
I have always been fascinated with Abe Lincoln. His rise from poverty and hardship as a young child to become the 16th President of the United States of America is one of the most tremendous stories of inspiration, persistence and achievement that we have ever seen. He had a rough upbringing, losing a mother at an early age, teaching himself how to read, overcoming several key losses in his career and personal life that would have destroyed most people. These hardships don’t even include leading America through the Civil War that had torn a nation completely in half. The ability Lincoln had to overcome adversity spoke to his resilience but it also spoke more deeply to his character.
Today I was reading a book I picked up at the Lincoln Presidential Museum in Springfield, IL titled The Wit and Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln. This book is a collection of Lincoln quotes, adages, speeches and other significant writings of his. Early in the book I was pulled in by a quote that I had never heard before he said “some things that are legally right are not necessarily morally right.” Why did this stick out so much to me? I think it spoke to the core of who I am and how I was raised. As people it is important to hold ourselves to the highest of standards regardless of how uncomfortable that is even if I’m allowed to do something that is morally questionable or bankrupt. The standard shouldn’t be if we are allowed to do something legally but if it’s fair and just for everyone. Lincoln was dealing with a system that was set up under a set of principles that discounted a large part of the population by law but he was smart enough to understand that it didn’t make it morally right.
The real question is how are you going to make sure you are on the right side of it all. Will you compromise your morals because you can do so legally or will you hold fast to what is morally just rather than lower your bar because the law says you can? I would imagine many leaders will say that I’m over simplifying this dilemma, however do we aspire to be great or do we aspire to be mediocre? I don’t believe this is a new problem for people. Abe Lincoln was President over 150 years ago and it was clearly an issue then and still is today. This shouldn’t detract us from committing to a life where we strive to live at a higher standard. Greatness lies in the sacrifice not in what is easiest. When we make decisions simply because we can we sell ourselves short but when we make decisions based on what is morally right we lift everyone up. Make the decision to live and lead by a higher standard and you will never regret it. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
Passion, Persistence, and Force
I love these three words: passion, persistence and force. My friend Dr. Terrie Werzbacher was recently discussing these words on her daily hotline “Terrie Talks” 210-390-6100. They’re so important in the journey to accomplishing what we want to achieve. When I was starting out as a coach I used these words a lot but they were always stand alone words. I would regularly speak to my teams with passion about having passion for the sport we were competing in, the work it involved and the process it took to get to the end results. Any endeavor without passion isn’t nearly as gratifying, exciting or fun as when you have passion for it. Persistence was probably the world I focused on the most. I learned persistence as a young athlete from the sport of wrestling. Nothing has ever been as humbling to me as learning how to wrestle. The amount of repetition, sweat and discomfort you endure was something that spoke to me as a youngster. Learning how to be persistent has stayed with me throughout my life even in times when I lost my way. It would be persistence that would help me find my way back. And finally the world force. I talked to our athletes about imposing their will on their opponents all of the time. It was about being stubborn when they needed to be and not giving in when things got tough. They had worked too hard and come too far not to do everything in their power to achieve what they wanted in a competition.
It wasn’t until I was late in my career that I began to understand that these words were not stand alone words they were always working in conjunction with one another. They needed each other as much as we needed each of them. If I had passion but lacked persistence then I really wasn’t passionate at all I was merely posing as a person with passion. In essence I was lying to myself. If I had persistence but lacked passion how far could my persistence take me. Eventually without passion my persistence would wane and my mind would wander into new areas of distraction or interest. What about force? How does that figure into all of this? I needed force not just when facing my opponents but when I was facing my own self doubt or when I didn’t feel like doing the work. For example I’m a run streaker and the day I reached my four years of running at least a mile a day everyday for four years I didn’t want to run that day. I have passion for running and the streak itself and with any streak we must have persistence. The force I needed was the will to do it even when I didn't want to.
We need to understand not one word, concept, phrase or program can carry us to where we need to go and neither can an entire arsenal of those things. I needed passion, persistence and force to keep me going. We aren’t always going to be on our game. We have good days and bad days and that is why we need all three of those things together to get us to where we want to go. We have to use our entire tool box to reach our goals. There will be days where I need a hammer and a crowbar and other days when I need a wrench and a screwdriver and other days where I need all four of them. The key is we have to have all of them and not only know how to use them but more importantly we need to know how to use them together.
Stop It With The Algorithm
This week I was listening to a podcast and they were talking about how destructive the algorithm on their socials have become. They were specifically focused on how that content is pushed on them and that isn’t what they want to see. This is a pretty common statement in the social circles I find myself in as well as in the articles I’m reading and other media I’m consuming. I’ve mostly avoided commenting on the algorithm we are directed towards in our social media pages because I just don’t really concern myself with it. It hasn’t been a priority for me and I mostly listen to what others have to say and I can honestly see their point to a degree. So, after the podcast I decided to conduct an experiment on my own social media algorithm.
My algorithm is mostly leadership and business influencers, education speakers/influencers, Iowa Hawkeye sports and running. I decided I was going to start out by searching Civil War History in the morning and World War II History in the afternoon. Later in the evening I would take some time and search for the best vacation spots. Each time I searched these topics I took 15 minutes to scroll through them and like the posts. It took less than 24 hours and my algorithm had done a 180 degree turn. I had a few things from my old algorithm still appearing in my feed but it was predominantly the three things I had started searching for the day before. I can't say that I was surprised by what I observed but I was a bit surprised with how fast it took hold.
The first thing I observed was how quickly my algorithm changed. It proved to me just how quickly the world is moving around me. For my social media feeds to change so dramatically reminded me that technology is moving faster than all of us and we need to be extremely vigilant in how we use it and consume it. The speed of which tech is moving is something we will most likely not be able to change or even slow down so it is important that you keep up the best you can and use caution when you interact with technology.
The second observation I made was that our algorithm is really up to us. It is clear things are directed to us but it seems at least in my short experiment that the algorithm is mostly up to you. Your decisions guide what happens. This brings me back to that podcast and the discussions among my friends that I discussed earlier. The primary person to point the finger at when it comes to the algorithm is you. It is very similar to the concept of surrounding yourself with good people. If you want to be in good situations, you need to use more positive language and self-talk if you want those things to happen for you. To draw another comparison we have all heard the old phrase “you are what you eat” that holds true with what we seek out on the internet as well. The algorithm doesn’t control us, we control the algorithm. It appears to me in my limited knowledge that it wants to present us with what we are searching for, talking about and interested in.
I’ve always been a proponent of technology. New technology has driven the greatest changes in our world but we often fail to make the right adjustments when it is introduced. We get seduced by what technology can do for us without thinking about the unintended consequences and before we know it we’re wrapped up into a runaway train that we can’t seem to stop. It isn’t that we can’t stop that train or at the very least slow it down. We just get too comfortable with what has happened to us and by the time we realize it there is something completely new and different to distract us. We need to remain accountable for what we do not just with the decisions we make or how we treat people but also in our relationship with technology.
Some of you might be laughing about the comment “our relationship with technology.” I think we need to be fully aware that technology is not what it once was with the development of AI and the speed at which it continues to evolve. We are definitely in a relationship with something much more complex than just a machine and some code that is created for our entertainment or to make our work easier. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.
You’re Tougher Than You Think
Our brain is such a complex machine, it’s impressive. The things our brains can imagine and make happen are truly amazing. Now, with that in mind our brain can also be a mean and nasty little trickster that will hold us back and make us think that we can’t accomplish things that are well within our grasp. Our brain sends us all kinds of false messages. It tells us we are hungry when we aren’t. It will tell us we can’t run another step because we are tired. It will tell us we aren’t smart enough, good enough or deserving enough to achieve important objectives and goals we have set for ourselves. I can still remember my coaches in high school telling me I wasn’t tired yet. They would tell me that my body was capable of so much more. My brain needed to build the muscles necessary to catch up with my body. In other words I needed to develop some mental toughness and resolve. When I became a coach I followed up with the same exact lines that were rooted in my own experiences. I was recently listening to Brian Cain on his podcast “Mental Performance Daily” and he said something that summed this up perfectly “our brain controls our effort.”
The limits we impose on ourselves are often not a reflection of the reality of our situation but rather a narrative that we have created within ourselves based on comfort. This isn’t the first time in the book that I have mentioned comfort and more specifically getting comfortable being uncomfortable. Our minds want us to be comfortable. It feels good. It doesn't matter if we are talking about something physical or mental comfort is what we think of when we think of happiness. Look no further than the phrase comfort food. I mean we have a category of food devoted to making us feel comfortable. For me a good mac and cheese dish baked in the oven with some crispy edges and that cheese bubbling on top does it for me. Oh and a good plate of some homemade fried chicken, potatoes and gravy will always make me feel nice and warm inside.
Our growth and our comfort needs to lie more with being uncomfortable. That is when we help our brain catch up to what we are really capable of. My toughness requires me to be able to go farther than my own comfort to become comfortable in dark spaces where I’m hungry, tired, nervous, unsure, and maybe even a little scared. Those feelings aren’t going to last forever and that is what you need to remind yourself of as soon as any doubt creeps in and you feel like you should just stop and be satisfied with being comfortable.
Call To Action
How are you going to stretch yourself today to go beyond your comfort level and prove to yourself that you are tougher than you think? You can do this every single day. Run for one more minute than you did yesterday. If you're a salesman, make 5 more sales calls this week than you did last week and keep building on it. If you’re a principal, get into a few more classrooms. It really doesn’t matter what you do, just do more than you think you're capable of. That is what separates the average people from successful people. You don’t aspire to be average if you did you wouldn’t have purchased this book.
It’s Just Not Fair
These state mandates aren’t fair. The funding allotted to our department isn’t fair. The standard they are holding us to isn’t fair. The protocols aren’t fair. The perception of me and our staff isn’t fair. How many times have you thought that, said that or heard that in some form or another? I know it’s countless times because I used to say those same things and not think twice about it and when I first became a Principal I was still doing it and to this day I’m upset that I let that kind of a poisonous narrative to infiltrate our mission.
It seems harmless enough to mention how unfair those things are and to have a belief that they are true is another subject altogether. It's unfair, has to be one of the biggest cop outs of all time. This cheap phrase is nothing more than an excuse for us not to achieve. First of all by saying it isn’t fair it takes away from the validity we have in our skills and hard work. It’s saying that those things can’t possibly make a difference. Secondly it is contrary to the truth. The world is full of examples of people who have faced tremendous odds and overcome them to be successful. As a matter of fact the most successful people in the world had to overcome adversity that many of us couldn’t even imagine not just once, not just twice but hundreds or thousands of times. Take the time to read a biography or do some research on Michael Jordan, Abe Lincoln or Ed Mylett. You will find that they had the ability to overcome the odds that many people would say were unfair if they were faced with them. Finally as a leader when you validate something as unfair it makes it ok to have excuses and rationalizations for all kinds of other things. More importantly it makes it ok to accept defeat without even trying. If we do this enough times it just isn’t something we say when things get tough it becomes a rallying cry for never even trying in the first place.
Call To Action
Stop saying the phrase “it’s unfair.” Go as far as to keep track of how many times you and your staff say it. I guarantee you will be shocked at how often it comes up. Then make a decision that this phrase has to be eliminated and that starts with you not only committing not to say it but educating and helping your staff shift that mindset as well. If the smartest people in the building succumb to not being able to do something because it’s not fair what message does that send? Good luck and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results. Have a great week.
It’s None of Your Business What Other People Think Of You
As a leader you will be under tremendous scrutiny for the decisions you make. Those decisions are bound to make some people upset and at times very angry. People will talk bad about you and other people will love to tell you about it regardless of whether you ask them to or not. How people feel about you shouldn’t change how you treat them. As a leader it is important to always maintain a professional demeanor and approach towards others. You, more than anyone, have to be a partner with everyone and you can’t afford to let your emotions about how people feel about you cloud your judgement. Elenor Roosevelt is credited with the phrase “What other people think of me is none of my business.” She was 100% correct in what she was saying.
I know as a human being not just a leader that I want to be liked it is a natural feeling. I mean who doesn’t want people to like them? I also know that I spent a lot of time in my life worrying and obsessing about what others thought of me and that made me a less happy person and leader. When I’m focused on what others think about my decisions it can lead to errors in my own judgement and it can even compromise my own character and integrity. The more high profile your leadership position the more opinions people will have about you. Let me be clear I’m not talking about feedback here I’m talking about people just saying hateful, nasty or unkind things about you.
This all goes back to putting your energy into the things that are positive. If people choose to be hateful or mean it’s their problem and it doesn’t serve me. They’re free to feel the way they want but I don’t have to make it my problem or allow it to distract me from my mission.
Call To Action
Resist the urge to try to convince others to feel differently about you. They have their own opinion and that is ok. Remind yourself that you have opinions about people that are not flattering as well so it is a natural part of life. If I find myself bothered by the opinions of others I generally take a minute to journal about it and my rule is once I close the journal the issue is over. The other big call to action here is to stop asking people what others have said about you and to stop people who try to gossip with you about what others are saying about you. Taking those simple steps will free you from a lot of stress, anger and bitterness.
Resilience Over Resistance
A few years ago I received the book The War of Art. The author Steven Pressfield, was discussing what steps are necessary to get through the blocks that keep us from our creative side. My friend Ken Williams sent me this book to inspire me to sit down and get started on writing my own book. It was an outstanding read right from the start and the further I got into it I realized this book was just as applicable to life and leadership. A significant theme of the book is about overcoming resistance and identifying all of the resistance that we create in our own lives.
I wish I would have found this book in 2002 when it was first published, it made so much sense to me and had me reflecting on all of the resistance in my life. Pressfield, talks often about being resilient to the resistance and that is a trait that leaders and people so deeply need to address in their personal and professional lives. As I was reading the book I started to make a list of all of the ways I created my own resistance in life.
Excuses/rationalizing
The judgement of others
Fear of Failure
Procrastinating
Discomfort
Self Doubt/imposter syndrome
All of these things were mentioned in some form or another in the book and I could think of several specific examples in my own life. I made excuses for not working out or for eating unhealthy foods. I was overly concerned with what people would think about the decisions I was making as a leader and if they were the right decisions or not. Fear of not being successful was a serious concern, because I hated feeling and looking like a loser. This was really an indicator that I wasn’t seeing failure as feedback as I have discussed earlier in this book. There was the bad habit of putting off the things I wasn’t good at until the last minute, possibly because they weren’t easy for me, and that had become a real problem as a new school administrator. I struggled with imposter syndrome terribly, because I really didn’t feel like I deserved or had the ability to run an entire school building. This was ridiculous. I had done all of the academic work and had almost 20 years of experience in schools. All of these things were resistance and I was seriously lacking in an effort to overcome it. I had the ability to be resilient. I just had to recognize my issues and take the appropriate action.
Call To Action
We all experience resistance in our lives from time to time even the most positive and confident people in the world will wrestle with self doubt it is a natural part of being human. My challenge for you is to quietly sit down and take stock of what resistance exists in your life and then take action. You will probably find that you are experiencing more resistance than you think. Don't be overwhelmed, just start with one thing and slowly build the resilience you need to be the best leader and person you can be.
The Legacy Of A Leader
As leaders, we often wonder if what we do is impactful enough. There will be days where we struggle, tough days that can seem like we’re in an uphill battle in a losing fight. We may even start to consider if the job is worth it and even consider if we want to keep going even when we face all kinds of resistance. In my daily morning reflection and journaling I began to consider legacy when I realized that my father would have been 90 years old in a few days if he was still alive.
I was seven years old when my father passed away and he has been gone for almost 46 years. My dad was my hero and my best buddy. My brother and sister named their children after him and our family friends will still talk about him to this day. I now attend the church that I grew up in and on any given Sunday his name will come up in our Sunday school class. His legacy lives on through all of us, his character, his integrity, his values, the relationships he built and the way he made people feel. This made me really take stock in how many lives he is still having an effect on because of how he conducted himself as he navigated his time on Earth so many years ago.
As we navigate life we need to remember that on the days when we struggle, on days when we feel like we’re losing ground, on days when we feel like we’re not making an impact there is a bigger message at work. The things that we do and the impact we make will last far beyond our time on Earth. We may not always see the difference we make in this world but it will be felt for generations to come. Our leadership will leave a lasting legacy that we can be proud of.
Learn From The Mistakes Others Make
Eleanor Roosevelt gives us all some great advice with her quote “learn from the mistakes of others, you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.” In nearly every job in the world someone has come before us and they have a variety of experiences that we can most certainly learn from. Leading ourselves and others is hard enough on its own, so why wouldn’t I take advantage of the work of others and learn from their miscues? We live in a world where we have access to an unprecedented amount of resources through the internet, podcasts, social media, and in person. We can connect with people all over the world and solicit advice and examples of things that they have learned through their failed attempts.
As a young leader I struggled with reaching out to other leaders to ask for advice or help. I was self conscious and didn’t want people to know when I was over my head. I was also afraid that if word got out that I was asking for advice or direction that people wouldn’t take me seriously. But more than that I didn’t want to become a headline like the leaders I heard people make fun of for making a poor decision or committing an egregious mistake. How was I going to be different from those poor souls?
I was going to pay attention to the leaders around me and ask them questions about how they would do things differently if they had a chance to do it all over again. When I saw people take missteps I made note of it and I even categorized it in a notebook where I wrote about it so I had a living resource I could reference when I needed to do so. Life is too short and being a leader is too important not to learn from the mistakes of others.
Conversations That Build Relationships
In 2011 I was hired to be a social studies educator and coach in Higginsville, MO. The man who hired me would become a mentor for me. His name was Gary Wheeler and he was the middle school principal at the time. Gary was great at getting to know you and he did it by visiting your room before school or during your plan period and he would visit with you about your family and the things you like to do. I can tell you this made me feel at home at a time in my career when I desperately needed it. These conversations not only made me feel like Gary wanted to get to know me but they made me feel like I had a person in my corner and I could come to him if I needed anything.
Shortly after the school year started my Mother died from complications related to lung cancer. Gary knew how close I was to my Mother and that she was my hero. He knew because of these conversations just how hard this was going to be for me. I looked up during my Mother’s visitation and there was my principal Gary Wheeler who drove over 3 hours to another state just to show his support and pat me on the back. I never forgot that moment. When I took over for him a few years later I realized through his example that it was just as important to talk to people about things that weren’t work related at work as it was to talk about work. Those conversations built a trust and a bond that fueled my love for where I was working and the person that was leading me. I also learned that showing up for people outside of work was more impactful that I would have ever imagined.
As a leader it’s important that you visit with your staff at work. Intentionally plan to make time for small talk about their hobbies, favorite music, kids, parents or favorite restaurants. When your staff knows you care they will do anything for you even the hard stuff that nobody wants to do. I’m telling you conversations matter and will help build a culture of trust and support that will take you farther as a team than any program or idea. Have a great week and remember when your commitment is greater than your feelings you get results.